Exam Room 2
by Houddy
Summary: This is a series of short stories. In each story House is visited in the clinic by a character. For example, Jack Bristow from Alias, or Hermione from Harry Potter. It's been a lot of fun writing them, and I hope it is a lot of fun reading them. All chara
1. Jack Bristow, Alias

JACK BRISTOW

House looked up when the door opened. It was an older man, a scowl on his face. He had the largest head he'd ever seen. House was intrigued. Allergic reaction maybe.

"Well, Mr." House looked down at the chart, "Bristow. What seems to be troubling you?"

The man just gave him a menacing look.

"I see," said House, not having received any reply. He was looking more closely at the man's head.

"Look," Jack Bristow finally said, moving his body away from the nosy doctor. "I don't want to be here. You don't want to be here. I was told to come in and get a prescription." He looked at House expectantly.

"Well, are you sick?" The man seemed fine, other than the large head, which House concluded was just a natural abnormality. "The hospital tends to frown on giving drugs away to healthy people. My boss would take me over her knee if she found out…" A big grin erupted onto his face. "What can I get you?" he asked eagerly, pen in hand.

"A friend of mine came in the other day and got a prescription…" Jack let his sentence trail off. Why wasn't the stupid doctor getting it. The protocol was set. Jack was to come to Princeton Plainsboro Teaching Hospital. He was to walk into the clinic at exactly 7:18pm and ask to see their top doctor. Here he was. And this was supposedly the top doctor so what the fck?

"I'm happy for him." House was getting more confused by the minute. It wasn't a familiar feeling for him.

"My friend," Jack put more emphasis on the word friend. Was he really going to have to spell it out. "Tommy Nocker." He was so embarrassed. He was going to kill Marshal for coming up with that stupid code name. Anyone who read Stephen King was going to know it was a fake name.

House snickered. He was not a Stephen King fan, and had never read the book Tommyknockers, so he missed that little in joke. But at the sound of the name Knocker, he got an image of Cuddy in his head. He snickered again. Knockers. He said to himself in his head.

"Is something funny?" Jack asked, deadly serious. House stopped snickering immediately. There was something very creepy about this man.

"If you would just tell me what it is you want, I will write up that prescription right now."

"You don't know what I am asking for?" Jack was loosing patience.

God, I hope not, House thought to himself. "I'm afraid you have me stumped. It doesn't happen often. Go see Dr. Cuddy after our consult and she will give you your prize."

"What the hell are you talking about?" Jack bellowed. His eyes flashed anger, but only for a moment. Then he was his reserved self again.

"What are you talking about?" House shot back, tightening his grip on his cane. This guy was about to snap. He could feel it.

"I want that prescription." The patients voice was threatening. House gulped loudly, but stood his ground.

"Just a moment," he said, edging toward the door. He leaned out and raised his voice. "Oh, Dr. Cuddy, I need your assistance please."

"No," Jack demanded. "No outsiders."

House was confused. "Cuddy isn't an outsider, she's my boss."

"As in Boss?" Jack asked, using a capital B.

"Uh, yeah," House responded.

Just then, Cuddy walked in. "What is going on now, House?" She sounded impatient.

"This gentleman would like a prescription." House pointed to Jack Bristow, who was lurking in a corner.

"So, give him one." Sometimes House's little games eluded her.

"He won't tell me what he wants." Cuddy was about to respond, but was distracted by the gun that was now pointed at her.

Jack Bristow was staring at her. "Shut the door," he demanded and she complied. "Now move over there." He nudged the gun over to where House was. Once he had his two hostages corralled, he got on his mobile. "There's a problem." He started talking in a hushed tone. House and Cuddy couldn't make out what he was saying so they began mumbling amongst themselves.

"Is he looking for drugs?" Cuddy asked, leaning toward House so she couldn't be overheard.

"I think that is the point of a prescription, Cuddy."

"I mean…You know what I mean. What are we going to do?"

"Well, you could always flash your Distractions at him." House blatantly looked down her shirt. She stared at him until he was done.

"I doubt he is nearly as perverted as you."

"Oh, you love it."

"Seriously House, what are we going to do?"

"You mean other than get shot and probably die?"

"Yeah, other than that."

They couldn't continue plotting their escape. Jack Bristow stalked over to them and without a word, clocked House on the head with the end of his pistol, then followed suit with Cuddy. Confirming that his victims were unconscious, he left.

A few minutes later, House came to. He looked over at the prone figure of Dr. Cuddy. She was laying on the floor and her skirt was raised quite high on her thigh. He gazed admiringly at her legs for a moment. Then he realized he'd better wake her up, so he grabbed the pitcher of water that was always kept by the bed for the patients convenience, and threw it down on her.

"Argh," she screamed. "What the hell did you do that for?"

"Hmm, I thought about leaving you there, unconscious on the floor, but then I thought, I can't let her die, who would I get to sign my paycheck."

"Thanks." She said, sounding like she didn't mean it, but meaning it anyway. "I'll go get your next patient."

"You've got to be kidding me," he called after her.


	2. Hurley, Lost

HURLEY

House sat back, waiting for his next patient. Cuddy was one tough broad. They had almost been killed, and still she wanted him to keep working. If that wasn't an excuse to get out of here, then nothing he could dream up would work.

It seemed to be taking a long time for the next patient to come in, and House's mind got to wondering. As much as he grumbled about Clinic duty, and he grumbled a lot, there some very interesting cases had crossed his path. There was one in particular that popped into his mind.

It was just last summer. The day was excruciatingly hot, and House had found himself stuck with afternoon clinic duty. He had seen a parade of sunburned heat-stroked idiots. When he heard the door open for the umpteenth time, he barely looked up. But what he saw made him do a double take.

The man was huge and sweating profusely. He was wearing Birkenstock sandals, a Hawaiian shirt and a pair of cargo shorts. His long curly hair fell limply around his face. He was huffing as he walked in. "Dude, I need some help."

House handed him a glass of water. "Take a deep breath and tell me what's wrong." He cringed. He had sounded like such a doctor just then.

"OK," Hurley said, taking a huge gulp of the water, "but here's the thing. I've got this condition." He paused to take another gulp of water.

"Don't you think that's a bit of an understatement?" House asked.

Hurley looked up at him. "Oh, I know man. But that's not why I came."

"Would you like to tell me why you came?" House was growing impatient.

"Oh, yeah, sure dude." House cringed at the word dude.

In his best imitation surfer voice House said," You think, maybe, like now, dude." He stressed the last word, nearly spitting it out.

"Oh, yeah, right." Hurley took another gulp of water. It was running down his chin, so he wiped it off with the back of his hand. "Dude, You are not going to believe this." House cringed again.

"Try me," he said.

"OK, so, like I won the lottery," House rolled his eyes. Was this guy for real.

"Did Cuddy hire you to come in here?" He asked, sensing a joke was being played on him.

"No, really man, I won $156,000,000."

House fakes believe. Wow, really, that's a lot of money."

"Yeah, I know. Anyway, the money is cursed." House rolls his eyes again. They were starting to get sore from all the rolling. "No, really dude. I'm telling ya. It's not so much the money that is cursed," he says, pouring himself another glass of water," but the numbers." He held up the pitcher to House, silently offering him some water. House shook his head. This guy was nuts.

"The numbers?" House was now leaning on the table, sensing this was going to take a while.

"Yeah, dude, the numbers I used to win. I…uh…found them somewhere, and used them on a ticket, and the ticket won. But ever since then, bad things have been happening.

"What sort of bad things?" House could kick himself for asking. This guy was going to go on forever. Well, it was more interesting than most of the patients waiting for his attention outside. If he played his cards right, he could keep this one going until it was time to leave. "But Dr. Cuddy," he could hear himself explaining, "He needed my expert attention." He laughed to himself.

"Dude, it's not funny. My grandfather died. And my mom got into an accident, and now…" he shook his head. "Well, now I think I'm dying."

"What makes you say that?" House inquired. This guy was too much.

"I can feel these sharp pains in my gut, man. They come in waves, you know. Like one minute nothing, then," he makes a weird little shimmy with his entire body, "whoa!"

"Whoa?" House questioned.

"Yeah. Am I dying?" Hurley had drained his second glass of water and was working on a third.

"Thirsty?" House asked, starting to formulate an idea in his head.

"Yeah, man. This hot weather. I'm parched." He chugged the glass.

"I don't think it's the hot weather." House was in serious mode. He put a stethoscope on and put it to Hurley's chest. Then he checked the mans pulse. He nodded. He wrote something on his chart, and left the room. When he came back in he had a syringe.

"Whoa," Hurley backed up. "Whatrya doin' with that?"

"I thought I would water the plants?" House said sarcastically, then plunged it into Hurley's arm.

"Ouch!" Hurley grabbed his arm. "Whatda ya have to do that for?"

"I had to do that to save you from going into cardiac arrest. You were having a seisure."

"Wow, man, I am cursed. I've never had ," Hurley said in wonder. "I told you I was cursed."

"It wasn't the curse. You have hypoglycemia."

"Hypo what?"

House rolled his eyes one last time. "Go see the nurse. She will tell you all about it." A gleam appeared in House's eye. "Oh, one last thing."

"Anything. You just saved my life, dude." House wasn't about to correct him. He was never in jeopardy. He would find that out in a few minutes, after talking with the nurse. For now, House just needed to get a childish image out of his head. He reached over and poked Hurley in the stomach.

Hurley's body squirmed wildly and he let out a little giggle. "What was that for?"

"I just wanted to see if it worked." House said, smiling.


	3. Spike, Buffy

SPIKE

House sat down and started reading a magazine. He hoped that Cuddy would think he was in with a patient and leave him alone, but he knew better. He looked up as two people barged through the door, dragging a cloaked figure between them.

The girl was tiny. House was surprised when she practically threw the unconscious form of a man onto the table. The older man with her looked around anxiously and shut the door. "We need your help," he said in a British accent.

House looked down at the figure on the table. The girl had removed the cloak to reveal an unnaturally blond man. He looked young in age, but old in spirit. House gasped when he saw the amount of blood dripping from the blonde's mouth. It was far too much blood to have been a simple bar brawl injury.

"What happened?" He asked the girl. She was quite cute. A bit young for him, but she had a tight little body. He smiled approvingly. The smile disappeared when she gave him a look that let him know she could kick his arse, and wouldn't hesitate to do so.

The Englishman came closer. "I was told you are a man we can trust."

House looked surprised. "Who told you that?" He inquired.

"A friend," the man said mysteriously.

"Alrighty," House said, trying to effect a chipper tone. He made a move toward the patient.

"Um," the Englishman, Giles, fidgeted. "There is something you aught to know."

House found that out very quickly. As soon as he touched the prone figure, a cold pale hand wrapped around his arm and he was looking into the face of…hell, he didn't know what kind of face he was looking into. The forehead was deformed. He hadn't noticed that before. It was enlarged, and, ridged? Foreheads aren't supposed to have ridges, he thought to himself. The eyes had changed too, they were…terrifying. But what really caught House's attention, almost too late, were two, elongated, bloodstained teeth. "A vampire," he exclaimed in astonishment.

"um," the Englishman said meekly.

"Yeah," the girl said. "And if he's not careful he won't be one much longer." She was holding a long wooden stake in her raised hand. Where did that come from? House wondered.

Suddenly the vampire's face went back to human form. "whoa, love" it said in an accent rather like a London punk. "What's with the warior stance?"

The girl relaxed, but only slightly.

"Where the bloody hell am I," the vampire, Spike, looked around, then looked at Dr. House. "Oh, Buffy, did you bring me dinner." He smiled menacingly. The teeth were back down to normal size, but that wasn't terribly reassuring to Dr. House, who now knew what it felt like for those poor lobsters that sit in the tank at a restaurant waiting to be picked for dinner.

"Spike!" She yelled at him, as one would yell at a dog who was pulling at his leash.

The Englishman had finally regained his composure. "My name is Mr. Giles. I am a, well, I sort of…" he changed topics. "This is Spike. As you can see, he is a vampire." Giles looked at the doctor for a reaction. He was taking this news much better than expected.

"I'm Dr. House," House said back. "As you can see, I am NOT DINNER." He stressed the last two words, looking at Spike.

Buffy had had enough small talk. She took over the conversation. "OK, here's the deal. Spike went all good guy and saved the world by jumping into a flaming pit." House eyed her suspiciously. Man, this is one weird night. "He died, but came back as a ghost."

"A vampire ghost," House said, weighing this idea in his mind, and seeing if it would compute. It didn't., but what the he11. He decided to go with it. "Interesting."

"Can I finish?" Buffy demanded. House decided she wasn't looking for an answer, so he didn't give one. She continued. "Now he is all Spike the Vampire Slayer, which is my job, and I don't need a partner."

"You want me to get him a job at the hospital?" House asked, trying to figure out what the point of this story was.

Buffy did a double take. "Huh?" She hadn't expected that. "No! He bit another vampire in a fight, and now he is sick."

"He's not sick," House replied. "He's dead. Actually, he's deader than dead." He was off on a tangent now. "If two wrongs don't make a right, then two deaths definitely can't make a life, can they?" He looked at his confused audience. They had expected many responses to bringing a vampire into the hospital, but House had blindsided them. "I mean, would the second death cancel out the first one, or do they compound, like interest?" His audience was stunned.

House's monologue had run it's course, and he returned to the business at hand. "What do you think I can do about it?"

"You're a bloody doctor!" The vampire exclaimed. "You cure the sick."

"Yes, I cure the sick, not the dead. Maybe you should go see the coroner. The morgue is downstairs." The party didn't move. "Fine." House took a few minutes and examined the patient. There was no heartbeat, no pulse, his breathing was non-existant. He asked some questions then shook his head.

"You were right. There is a problem. Sir," he turned to Spike, "I don't know how to tell you this, but, your dead." Spike moved as if about to attack. "But don't worry, we have something for that." House wrote out a prescription. "I don't know if this works on dead people, but my living patients say it helps their upset stomach. Thanks for dropping by."

He handed the cloak to Buffy and began pushing them all to the door. Surprisingly they went, and he heaved a huge sigh of relieve. Standing in the center of the room, he slapped his face gently, then pinched himself in the arm. "Yes," he said to the room, "I am most unfortunately awake." He opened the door and called in his next patient.


	4. Hermione, Harry Potter

HERMIONE

A puffy haired girl of 13 walked up to him. "I am your next patient," she said in a perfect British accent. "You must be Dr. House."

"You know my name?" House sounded surprised.

"I was here a few days ago. You treated my rash." She held out her arm, showing him where the rash must have been.

"Seems to have cleared up nicely." House wondered what she wanted.

"Yes, thank you. You did a wonderful job."

"Thanks," House was trying to walk away without being too obvious, but the girl followed him.

"My name is Hermione," she said. "It must be hard to keep track of the names of all the patients you see. You are such a busy doctor." She blinked up at him, but he tried to ignore it.

"Yes," he said, looking around the waiting room. Where was Cuddy when you needed her.

"I made this for you?" Hermione held out her hand, it was shaking almost imperceptibly. In her hand was a blue metallic paper bag. It was the color of House's eyes, though this detail eluded him.

House took the bag from her. It was stuffed with blue and white tissue paper. There was a little card on top. House read it. "To my knight in shining ARMour. Yours, Hermione." She blushed as he read it.

A small smile crossed his face.

"You get it, don't you?" She asked.

"Very clever." He was starting to feel uneasy. The girl hadn't taken her eyes off him, and she had this weird sort of dreamy look. The look reminded him of Dr. Cameron. Oh no! He thought to himself.

"Do open it," she pleaded.

House opened the bag carefully, as though he thought a snake might jump out of it. Hermione grabbed the tissue paper as it floated to the floor. She held it proudly. Hidden under the tissue paper was a heavy rectangular package. House didn't need to use his keen deductive skills to realize it was a book.

The book was wrapped in very pretty paper with stars and moons on it. The paper matched the bag well, and his eyes, of course. He tore at the paper. He was not one of those romantic types who liked to save wrapping paper for whatever reason those types of people saved wrapping paper.

He was impressed when he saw the book. It was "Mosby's Diagnostic and Laboratory Test Reference." He already had the book, but he didn't need to tell her that.

She looked up at him expectantly. "Thank you," he said.

"You are welcome." She looked like she was trying to gather up some courage, and she was. Before he knew what was happening, Hermione got up on her tip toes, and tried to give him a kiss on the cheek. He was, of course, too tall for her, and she ended up sort of pressing her cheek against his shoulder. He wanted to disappear. Why do I have to be so handsome, he thought to himself.

His embarrassment was far from over. Hermione looked up at him with adoring eyes. House tried looking anywhere but back down at her. Unfortunately his eyes fell on Dr. Cuddy. She was shaking with laughter. Her face hidden behind a huge grin. I hope she is enjoying herself, he thought. He looked at her with pleading eyes.

Cuddy was too busy enjoying his discomfort to help him out of it. It was Dr. Cameron who came to his rescue. He didn't even know she was in the clinic tonight. "Hi," she said to Hermione, taking the girls attention away from House. "I'm Dr. Cameron. I work with Dr. House." She held out her hand and Hermione took it.

"You must learn so much working with such a great doctor," Hemione gushed.

"Oh yes," Cameron responded, nearly gushing herself.

Cuddy was practically rolling on the floor now. House looked over at her with daggers in his eyes.

"I was hear last week, and he cured my rash. He didn't even look at it. He knew exactly what had happened. It was like he was using legilimency or something." Cameron looked at her quizzically. Hermione blushed. "It's a silly word my friends and I made up." She rushed on, covering her tracks. "He gave me this cream to put on it, and it healed right up. Look," she held out her arm.

"Yes, House is the best doctor we have at this hospital. " House noticed how good Cameron was with the girl. She had squatted down, so she was face to face with her. She had adopted the same awed tone as Hermione, sounding quite like a middle school child herself.

"Look," he said," I really should get going. I have a lot of patients to see." He was inching his way away from the two girls. "Thank you again for the book, Hermione." He thought she was about to pass out at the sound of him saying her name. House ran.

Hermione and Cameron were talking excitedly to each other now, occasionally looking over to where House was reading the patient list, searching for a good case.

Cuddy walked over to House before he could run away. "Looks like you've got your own little fan club now," she nodded toward Hermione and Cameron who did a little giggle when they saw House look over at them. Cuddy laughed.

"Don't worry, Cuddy, your membership badge and autographed poster are in the mail."

She just rolled her eyes. "Your next patient is waiting for you in room 2." She started pushing him in the right direction.

"Cuddy, if you want to get me alone, you don't have to be so pushy about it."

She gave him a hard shove that nearly toppled him over. He exaggerated the effects, and almost caused himself to fall over. She laughed at him, and he smiled back. It was an I owe you one kind of smile.


	5. Paris Hilton, heiress

PARIS HILTON

House tried to make a run for it while Cuddy's back was turned. He was almost at the exit when he heard his name. It was Cuddy calling over to him. "Exam Room 2 is that way." She pointed him in the right direction, holding a file out in front of her.

House hobbled over, emphasizing his limp. "Oh, goody. I can't wait."

"I think you're going to love this one. You can thank me later. I like chocolates."

"Perfect. Chocolate masks the taste of most deadly poisons." He grabbed the file out of her hand and opened it up. "Paris Hilton? Not THE Paris Hilton?"

"Yes, THE Paris Hilton" she mimicked. I'm pretty sure there is only one. Play nice, House. Her family donates a lot of money to this hospital."

"Don't I always?" he called over her shoulder on his way to Exam Room 2.

He opened the door and saw Paris Hilton sitting on the hospital bed. The small dog in her lap growled, barring it's little fangs. "Whoa, back Kujo," House said, pretending to be scared. Paris laughed. "We don't usually let dogs into the hospital," House commented. Actually dogs were forbidden in the hospital for health reasons.

"Dr. Cuddy said it would be OK."

"Yeah, that Dr. Cuddy. Such a rebel." House smiled, knowing he would be able to use this against Cuddy some time in the future.

"What seems to be the trouble?" House said, excited to use his stethoscope on the pretty heiress. He began warming it up with his breath.

"I have been stomach sick. You know, throwing up."

"Yes, I know throwing up. Did it at a few frat parties back in college."

"Your funny," Paris said. "That's hot."

"Why thank you. You're hot too." House reached toward her with the stethoscope. The dog growled louder.

"Bad girl!" Paris said, but with no real intent on punishing the dog.

"Could you maybe put that thing down somewhere?" House asked. He really didn't want to have to explain being mauled by a dog the size of a hamburger. He was getting a little hungry. I hope they have hamburgers in the café today, he thought.

"She just doesn't know you yet. Why don't you give her a little kiss." Paris held the dog up to House's face.

You've got to be kidding, House thought. His first instinct was to turn and run. Then he imagined Cuddy chewing him out for loosing the hospital even more money. There was just no way. "How about a nice handshake?"

"Come on Dr. House. Just a little kiss, and then she will be a perfect angel. It'll be hot." She said, bobbing her head up and down.

He had to do it. It was like medicine. If he closed his eyes and got it over with… House closed his eyes and leaned in. I can't believe I am doing this, he thought. Before he had a chance to change his mind, he felt a hot tongue scrap across his face.

He pulled away quickly, wiping his face with the back of his hand. "Ptph," he spat.

"Don't do that. You will hurt her feelings." Paris scooped the little dog into her harms and covered her face so she couldn't see House's rude behavior.

House didn't know how much more of this he could take. The Hilton's better donate an awful lot of money to the hospital. Say $100,000,000. "Do you think she will let me examine you now?" He asked. Then he looked at the little dog. "Can I take mommy's temperature. We can make out again later if you want." He winked at the dog who looked up at him with a look he thought was just a little too friendly.

When everything was done, Paris held her princess up to House again. "She wants to say goodbye."

House took a deep breath. He might as well go for it. He puckered up and gave Tinkerbell a big smooch. The dog wagged it's tail excitedly. House's tail, if he'd had one, would have been wagging excitedly too, as Paris planted a big, wet kiss right on his lips. "Bye," he said, dazed. "Bye," she answered, waving over her shoulder.

House stood in the doorway, watching her as she walked away. He had the stupidest grin on his face. He didn't even care if anyone was looking.


	6. Captain Jack Sparrow, Pirates of the Car

Captain Jack Sparrow

House looked at his watch. The night wasn't even half over. Maybe he could fake an injury. He banged his head on the table.

"You might not want to be doing that, mate," a peculiar voice slurred from behind him. House spun around too quickly, and nearly toppled over. His jaw dropped at the sight before him. The voice belonged to the most unkempt, bedraggled, drunken pirate House had ever seen, not that he'd actually ever seen a pirate in the real world. House held his head. He must have hit it harder than he'd thought.

"Captain Jack Sparrow, King of the high seas, a captain of the greatest ship of them all, the Black Pearl." He said these last two words with a touch of awe. "You've heard of it, no doubt."

The good captain was so sure House would know the name that he didn't know what to say. "Har," he replied, hoping it meant yes without really meaning yes.

"Har?" Captain Jack eyed him suspiciously. "There's no need to be using such language. No self respecting captain of the high seas would ever be caught dead saying something so cliche. Savvy?"

"Savvy," House replied, thinking it must be the new har.

"Right now," Captain Jack said, swaying back and forth like he was on the Black Pearl in stormy seas. Unconsciously House started swaying too. What a pair we must look, he thought to himself, hoping to wake from this delusion before he realized it was real. The captain went on, oblivious to the mimicked swaying. "I have this little problem, see, it all began," he looked around to make sure no one was listening, then continued, "when me old crew stole me ship. The Black Pearl." Again he said the name with awe in his voice. Again House had no idea what he was talking about. "She's a beauty, the Black Pearl. But I digress. There was a curse, and the undead and all, but I won't get into the details. You've surely heard the story." House nodded. This guy must be certifiable. "Well, the curse seems to be coming back."

"Right," House nodded. "The curse. Got it."

"It isn't the same this time," the pirate continued, taking for granted that House knew exactly what was going on. "Fortunately it hasn't affected my ability to eat and drink and, you know, be merry", he gave House a wink and a nod. House pitied the woman who "got merry" with this guy. His breath smelled like stale beer, and he couldn't identify the other odors coming off the man. This man must be on some good stuff, he thought, instinctively reaching for his Vicodin at the thought of narcotics.

He popped a pill, and dared to interject. "If I may, what seems to be the root of your problem." House felt that he, himself was in need of medical attention, and not the kind an MD could treat. He wondered if Wilson knew any good shrinks.

"My problem? What problem? I have no problem, savvy?"

"But, the curse. You said you had a little problem, and then started going on about a curse and," House looked around conspiratorially then spoke in a hushed tone, "the Black Pearl."

"Ah, the Black Pearl. So you've heard of her? Great ship, that. I went to a lot of trouble getting her back." He had totally ignored House's question.

"Yes, it must have been tough, what with the curse and all, savvy?" House decided to throw the last word in, hoping to get the pirates attention.

"Savvy." The pirate smiled. "That curse, never seen nothing like it."

"And now you are cursed?" House was grasping for straws now.

"No, no."

"But you said..." House was dumbfounded. He'd never felt this disoriented in his life, and he was starting to believe it wasn't just because of the bump on his head. This was like talking to the Mad Hatter.

"Ah, you can't listen to a word I say, savvy?"

House stood froze, dazed, and trying to decipher Captain Jacks last comment. "Then what are you doing here?"

"Oh, right, well, that saucy wench out there took one look at me, I think she liked what she saw too, and told me to come in here. I kind of thought she was going to follow me in, if you catch my meaning."

House caught his meaning perfectly, and started laughing uncontrollably. He knew exactly who Captain Jack was refering to, and the idea of Dr. Cuddy as a saucy wench was tickling him to no end. He couldn't wait to use it on her.

"Now that I think about it, though, she didn't seem all that appreciative of my special charms. Especially when I gave her a little pat on the rump, and a fine rump it is." House grabbed his sides. They were killing him. For a moment he wondered if a person could die laughing. He thought he was about to find out. "She must be a chaste little muffin."

"Dr. Cuddy is far from a chaste little muffin. She's more the tart variety of breakfast treat." House could barely speak. Tears were running down his face, but he couldn't resist.

"Oh, I could play doctor with her," Captain Jack said laciviously. There was a devilish glint in his eye.

"Hey, tell you what," House was formulating a plan. "You could do me a huge favor."

"Anything, mate." Captain Jack was getting to like this peculiar man. He was a bit scruffy, and way too skinny, but he seemed a nice enough chap.

"Why don't you go visit Dr. Cuddy. Keep her occupied for a little while, while I sneak out the back."

"Ah, trying to make a run for it. I can relate. There was this time..."

"It would have to be now," House cut in before Captain Jack could start another of his long stories."Savvy?"

"Savvy." Captain Jack said slowly. "This is a job for Captain Jack Sparrow." He stuck his chest out proudly and turned to the door.

"Yes it is," House mumbled under his breath as he followed the Captain out. He wasn't going to miss this for the world.

Captain Jack swaggard over to Dr. Cuddy, who was talking to a patient. The swagger wasn't straight, but he did it with such style that it hardly mattered.

"Dr. Cuddy," Captain Jack announced himself with a low bow, hat in hand.

Cuddy turned to him, surprise on her face. "Dr. House is done with you already." She noticed House in the doorway and eyed him suspiciously.

"Fine lady," Sparrow took her hand and kissed with Cassanova flair. "Why would I sit in a little room with that scallywag, when I could be examined by as fine a specemin as yourself."

Dr. Cuddy wasn't sure weither to be frightened or angry. She chose angry. She didn't do frightened well. She pulled her hand away. "Mr. uh," she realized she didn't know his name. "If Dr. House can't help you, then you can leave the hospital."

"Not without a little kiss." He made a kissy face at her. "A kiss from you will make it all better." He grabbed her in his arm, and planted his lips firmly on her.

House saw his moment. As much as he would love to have seen Cuddy's face, he wanted out of the clinic more. He grabbed his coat and made a run for the door. "Dr. House?" He stopped automatically at the sound of his name, and turned to Dr. Cameron.

"What?" He snapped.

"I need your help with a patient. If you don't mind."

"Why do people say that?" He asked. He didn't wait for an answer. "If you don't mind? Well, I do mind. Does it make a difference?" Again he didn't wait for her to answer. "No, of course not. You will just find some way to get me to help you because that is what you want. You only asked if I minded out of courtesy, because you are a nice girl. You expect me to say I don't mind, and then go help you. But I do mind. So what are you going to do about that?" He finally stopped.

"Ask you to help me with my patient because I need your help. I don't want to ask for your help. Despite what you think, I am not just making up an excuse to be near you. You are an expert in infectious desease. I have a patient with a desease I can't place. I thought you, as a doctor, might want to try helping a patient."

They both turned when a screaming Cuddy stormed over, "HOUSE!"

House turned to Cameron. "I'd love to help you with your patient Dr Cameron." He quickly pushed her in the opposite direction from Cuddy's approach.


	7. The Charmed Ones, Charmed

House followed Dr. Cameron into the exam room, shutting and locking the door behind him. He leaned against the door in relief. He was safe from the wrath of Dr. Cuddy, at least for now.

He looked around the room. It was utter chaos. "Out of the frying pan into the fire", he mumbled under his breath. There were three women standing in a tight formation, the one in back holding a baby. They looked like they were about to attack. House did a double take. The baby appeared to be…glowing! Man, I've got to lay off the Vicodin, House thought to himself. Just kidding, he thought, popping a little pill into his mouth.

His eyes panned the room until they rested on four men in long black cloaks, their faces obstructed by deep hoods. "Did they just walk though the wall?" House said, unaware that he was even talking.

"Actually," Dr. Cameron said, "I think they were floating." House had forgotten she was even there. The sound of her voice startled him. He glanced over at her, and silently they agreed it was time to leave this little party. They began scuttling sideways toward the door.

"Where do you think you're going?" A voice boomed at them. It was s deep, hollow, echoing voice, and House thought there must be some sort of sound effects machine hidden under the speakers long cloak.

Now that the cloaked figure was facing him, House could see it's face, or lack thereof. All he could see where two, glowing red eyes, the color of embers, floating in a sea of black nothing. He squinted, thinking it must be a trick of the eye, but there was most definitely nothing there.

House felt a tightness grip his throat. He tried to look down, but knew there would be nothing there, nothing that he could see anyway. He heard Dr. Cameron gasp for breath, and knew the same fate must have befallen her. This was it, the end of his life. House tried to watch his life pass before him, but he was too busy trying to wrap his highly intellectual head around what was happening right now. It just couldn't be. No matter how hard he tried to make sense of it, it just couldn't be.

"Leave them alone," a voice rang out in the darkness that was beginning to overpower him. Suddenly one of the young women, the one who looked like Betty Page, was between him and the cloaked nothing. He felt the grip on his neck loosening until it was gone, then he dropped to the floor. He felt the sudden weight of Dr. Cameron fall on top of him.

"Are you alright?" She whispered, removing her body from his, though he thought he saw a little reluctance in her expression.

"Oh, just dandy." He replied. "Now, can we get out of here?" Cameron nodded, and they got on all fours, trying to go unnoticed as they hurried to the exit. It was still locked tight.

"Now what?" House demanded. As he spoke, he felt Cameron push down on his head. It was just in time, as a cloaked demon went flying over them. "What the?"

House didn't get a chance to finish. The demon had risen behind them, and shot a ball of flames over their head, directly at the baby. Luckily it bounced off the baby, and came straight back at House and Cameron. She pushed his head down again. "Stop doing that!" He demanded.

"Oh, and let you die? I didn't know that was an option." She huffed back.

They both turned to see where the ball of fire had landed and couldn't believe their luck. There was a big hole in the door they had been trying to get through only moments before. The whole was big enough to squeeze through.

House grabbed Cameron and pushed her through the hole in the door, then heaved himself through, wincing in pain as his bad leg brushed against the edge of the whole.

House started screaming at Cameron, "Why the hell did you want me to go in there? What did you think I could do about that?" He was still on the floor. The pain in his leg was too much to bear.

"Care to explain yourself?" He looked up and saw Dr. Cuddy standing over him.

"Nope," House answered. "Have you seen my cane?" He struggled to get up. Cuddy held out her hand, and pulled him to his feet.

"Fine," she huffed. "Just make sure this mess is cleaned up by the time I get back from dinner." Then she stormed off. House knew he was in trouble. When Cuddy had little to say, he knew he had gone too far.

There was no way House was going back in that room. He looked around the waiting area, and saw two familiar faces. "Dr. Chase, Dr. Foreman," He called them over. Cuddy said she wants you to straighten up Exam Room One."

"Cuddy said?" Foreman challenged.

"Yeah, she said you guys were just standing around, and she had to find something to keep you busy." He smiled innocently. "You'd better get too it, too. She's in one hell of a mood." House walked back to his own exam room, and called his next case.


	8. Britney and Kevin, The Federlines

House thought he heard the theme song from Deliverance playing in his head. He didn't know why, till he turned toward the couple that was approaching him. "Mr and Mrs Federline?" He questioned.

The guy held out his hand. House refused to shake it and instead showed the couple into the exam room. The guy looked like some reject from a boy band. His pants were slung around his hips, and House took a moment trying to find the physics that made it possible for them to stay up. He quickly gave up, deciding that this couple defied logic. House instinctively put his hand over his coat pocket, "protect the Vicodin" he thought to himself.

It wasn't until the girl, she said her name was Britney in the bubbliest voice he'd ever heard, hopped up on the bed that House noticed her feet. They were bare! Who comes into a hospital in bare feet? House started rattling off a mental list of all the bacteria's she was currently carrying around on her feet. He made a disgusted face as he went.

"Oh, sorry man," the guy said. "Haven't showered in a few days." He didn't seem embarrassed by this fact, he just blurted it out like it was perfectly normal. House wondered what they could be here for, but the bulge in the girls stomach sort of gave that away.

"So," House said, reluctant to ask, "what seems to be troubling such happy, healthy" he looked down at her bare feet again and winced, "young lovers?"

"Oh, we're married." The girl gushed, holding up her ring. "It's the real thing this time. Kevin has made me the happiest person. I just couldn't live without him," she turned to her husband and the pair started making out.

House cleared his throat loudly. "If that isn't the sweetest thing I've ever heard," he said, his voice dripping with sarcasm.

"Yeah, it is." The monosyllabic young man concurred.

"And yet, you are here in this hospital, so something must be wrong with you." House contemplated just leaving and shutting the door so they could get back to what they were so obviously doing only moments before walking into this room.

"Oh, it's just," the girl looked a little dazed. "Well, you are Dr. House aren't you?"

"Yes," House said hesitantly, then wished he hadn't.

"Well, our friend Gail told us that you helped deliver her sisters baby, and said you were a real smart doctor and all, and, since me and Kevin are in the area, and the baby needs a checkup, we thought we would stop by."

"You thought you would stop by?" House asked.

"Yep," the girl answered.

"Both of you, together, as a couple."

"Yep," the guy answered this time. They were freaking House out. Young love always gave him the willies. All that we and us stuff. It was more than he could bear.

"And you were recommended to me?" That was the part he really wasn't getting. He was a diagnostics expert, not a baby doctor. Suddenly a light bulb went off. "Oh, yes, I remember now. He thought back to a pregnant woman he'd helped in the clinic. She'd asked if he would deliver her baby for her, and he'd agreed. "That was just so I could use the pediatrics break room." The couple stared at him blankly. "The chairs are just so comfy, and the TV gets way better reception."

The girl nodded, like she had any clue what he was talking about. "It's hard to get good reception on the tour bus. Kevin wants to get a satellite dish hooked up, but I like to use the bus for quiet time. You know, to work on new songs and stuff." She looked over at her hubby.

House couldn't imagine what the "stuff" was, and he was pretty sure he didn't want to know. "So," he was trying to get back to the subject, "the baby was tossed about too much in the bus?"

"Huh?" the girl looked puzzled again. House thought this was a pretty normal look for her.

"What happened that made you come in here?" House spoke very slowly.

"Oh, yeah, well, see, like everything was all fine and stuff. Then I started getting sick all the time. Not just morning sickness or whatever, but really bad. And sometimes I get these really intense pains."

"It's bad," the husband added, nodding his head like a bobble head on a dashboard.

House took a long look at her. He noticed a little cut on her foot. "Do you go barefoot often?"

"Yeah. I'm a natural girl. I mean, God made us barefoot. Why do we need to wear shoes all the time?"

"We need to wear shoes all the time because there are millions of teeny tiny bacteria's all over the ground. They come from car tires, bird poop, people spitting on the sidewalk," the girl was scrunching up her nose in disgust as House spoke. "And sometimes, when you walk around with cuts on your bare feet," he motioned for her too look at the cut on her foot, "the teeny tiny bacteria get in there, and make themselves at home. And the last thing you want is to be home for some of the more nasty bacteria." House shook his head and made a face as he said the word nasty.

"But," the girl was dazed again, or was it still. "What does that have to do with my baby?"

"Well, your baby is barefoot, isn't it?"

"Oh," she said, a light bulb, albeit a dim one, seemed to go off in her head.

"That isn't the reason." House said. It was just too easy, like shooting fish in a barrel. He looked at the husband hoping he'd had enough sense not to fall for that. He was still bobbing his head up and down. House turned back to the girl. "Let's try this again. The bacteria gets into your blood. Your blood goes to the baby, your baby gets the bacteria. Get it?"

"Yeah, wow, I never knew."

"Clearly." House hoped stupidity wasn't hereditary, or this kid didn't stand a chance. "Take this prescription. Apply twice a day until the cut heals. The baby will be fine."

"Oh, thank you doctor. What's your first name? If I have a boy, I'll name him after you."

House felt like he was going to be sick. There was no way he was using his own name. He said the first thing that popped into his head. "Wilson."

"Hmm, Wilson Fedderline. Oh, I like it. Do you like it baby?" She turned to her husband. He was still bobbing.

"Yeah, babe. Sounds great." With that, they left, and House washed his hands thoroughly.


	9. Chef Gordon Ramsey, Hells Kitchen

CHEF GORDON RAMSEY

House looked up to see his next patient walking in. The man looked haggard, his blond hair tussled on his head, a mad look on his face. "Come on," he barked, "I don't have all day."

House, who was drying his hands looked over at him. He hated patients like this, who thought he was wasting their time, even though they were the ones wasting his time. He was only on level three of the new Final Fantasy game.

"I have a burn. It's a simple procedure, just fix it and lets get done with it." The man had an English accent. House hated the English. Just because they had a queen, they all thought they should get the royal treatment. House took his time wiping his hands, and slowly placed the towel back on the counter, folding it just so.

He actually had to fold it several times, shaking his head and muttering, "no, that's not quite right." He could feel the man's eyes boring into the back of his head.

"For BEEPS sake, man, hurry up. I haven't got all BEEPING day!" The guy was practically screaming now, and House wondered what his blood pressure was.

House turned around, looking sheepish. "You have to be so precise in a hospital, you know." He sounded apologetic, though the man must have known he was doing it on purpose.

"I don't give a BEEP about a BEEPING hospital. Fix my BEEPING hand." He waved the hand in front of House, then grabbed it in pain.

"Well," House wanted to laugh so bad. "For starters, you should keep it stable. So stop waving it in my face."

The man looked at him, and if looks could kill, House was sure he would be dead right now. "If you would BEEPING help me, I wouldn't need to wave my BEEPING hand in your BEEPING face!"

"If you keep waving your hand in my face, I won't be able to fix it. I need it to be stable. You do know what that word means, right? One of the most frequent uses is not subject to sudden or extreme changes or fluctuation. So stop moving it!" House had nearly screamed the last part, thinking the man might respond better to a loud voice.

The man did as he was told, holding his hand perfectly still as House applied some ointment to the burn, then bandaged it up. The man couldn't seem to keep his mouth stable, however, and kept talking. "You call this a BEEPING hospital? I had to wait in that BEEPING waiting room 20 BEEPING minutes. I don't have time for this BEEP!"

House couldn't take it any more. He pulled the iPod out of his pocket, and stuck the earbuds in his ears, drowning out the British madman. Ah, the soothing sounds of Buffalo Springfield. "Stop, hey, what's that sound, everybody look what's going down." He started singing to himself.

Suddenly, he felt the earbuds being ripped out of his ears. "Stop that BEEPING racket! A BEEPING doctor is supposed to listen to his BEEPING patient, not try and BEEPING kill him with that BEEPING singing!"

"Well," House shouted back, having had enough. "If you would stop your BEEPING yelling, maybe I wouldn't need to drown you out." He taped up the end of the bandage. "You're done. Now get the BEEP out of here!"


	10. Mythbusters

MYTHBUSTERS

House was still shaking his head over his last patient when two men walked through the door. Between them they dragged what looked like a burnt up dead body. House was momentarily stunned. It took a moment for recognition to fill his face.

One of the men spoke after they placed their burden on the hospital bed. "Hi, I'm Adam Savage, and this is Jamie Hyneman. I know this may look a little strange…"

"Yeah, yeah, I know who you are." House was speaking excitedly. "You guys rock."

"Why thank you," Jamie said. "Then you probably know who this is." He pointed at the figure laying in the bed.

"Buster!" House was nearly bursting with excitement. Mythbusters was one of his favorite shows. He always liked to make bets with Wilson on whether they would prove the myth or not. "Are you shooting here in New Jersey?"

"Yes, we are doing a show on the Jersey Devil. Have you heard of it?"

"Sure. Never seen it though." The Jersey Devil was an urban legend, a mythical creature, sort of like a dragon, that terrorized the residents of the Pine Barrens.

"We are shooting some other shows while we're in the area and Buster here is having some trouble." Buster was the crash test dummy the Mythbusters had supped up for some of their projects. He had been dropped from cranes, thrown down elevator shafts, and blown up more times than House could remember.

Jamie started speaking again. "Lisa told me you might be willing to help us out."

"Lisa?" Surely he didn't mean Lisa Cuddy.

"She's an old friend." Jamie said. Adam was standing behind him winking knowingly. "She said you were a fan of the show, and would be able to help us with some medical questions."

"Sure, anything for Buster." Buster was House's favorite type of person, an inanimate one.

The two men barraged House with questions. How would the human body react to this or that sort of shock, what would happen to bones at 670mph impact, things of that nature. House was more than happy to answer what he could, and guess at what he couldn't. His mind was still on that wink Adam had given behind Jamie's back.

"One more thing, Dr. House?" Adam asked.

"Bring it on." House replied, eager to help some more. This was fun.

"We need Buster fitted with a new femur. Dr. Cuddy said we could use you to perform a little surgery."

"She did, did she?" House was glad she did, but he wasn't about to let anyone know that. He excused himself and poked his head out into the waiting room. He was in luck. Dr. Cuddy was just finishing with a patient. "Oh, Dr. Cuddy," he called.

She walked over, dread written all over her face. "Yes Dr. House?" She wasn't going to like this, she was sure of it.

"I need your help in Exam Room 2."

"No you don't." She was sick of this little game.

"Yes, I do." He winked at her. It had the desired effect, she was caught off guard, and now too curious to turn away now. She followed him into the room.

"Lisa!" Jamie called to her and came over and gave her a big hug. She hugged him back, glaring at House as she did so. She had asked Jamie not to mention her name. She should have known he wouldn't listen.

"What seems to be the trouble?" She addressed her question to Jamie, making sure House didn't try to answer.

"Nothing," Jamie replied. "Dr. House here is going to help us fix up Buster."

"That's great." Lisa said without enthusiasm. "And why am I here?" She was now addressing House.

"I need you to assist. Surgery is tricky business you know." He smiled at her.

She couldn't respond. She just put her head in her hands. Was she running an asylum or a medical hospital? Sometimes she wasn't sure.

Jamie put an arm around her waist. "You were right about him." He motioned to House. "The guy is great."

"I'm great?" House beamed at Cuddy. She just glared back. "So, how long have you two known each other?" He was enjoying him self now. As he spoke, he was gathering the tools he would need to open up Buster.

Cuddy was about to answer, but Jamie beat her to it. "We dated for a while in high school."

"Ooo," House gushed. "High school sweethearts." Cuddy looked like she wanted to kill him. He was now cutting into Buster's leg.

"Can I see you outside, House?" Cuddy asked through clenched teeth.

"I'm in the middle of surgery right now. Maybe later." He kept his head down. He didn't dare look up now.

"Well," Cuddy huffed, "if you don't need me for anything, I'll get back to my work." She spun around and left.

House carried on with his work. He held out his hand toward Adam, "Scalpel," he demanded. Adam placed the scalpel in his hand, and he cut through Buster's leg. The surgery proceeded from there, with no complications. House extracted the busted wooden bone, and replaced it with a new metal one. He differed to the Mythbusters to close him up.

"Thanks, House," Jamie said, extending a hand.

House took it, and gave a good shake. "Thank you," he replied.

"For what?" Adam said, getting a handshake as well.

"You have made my day." House beamed. They left thinking that meeting them had made House's day. They didn't realize that it was making Cuddy squirm that had really made his day.


	11. Grissom & Willows, CSI

The exam room door opened, and House's next patient staggered in. He reached a hand out toward House, tried to say something and fell to the floor. House walked over and bent down to check for a pulse. There was none. The guy was dead. House called out to the waiting room. Dr. Chase came rushing in. "What seems to be the trouble?" He asked.

"I can't work with this patient," House said, waving down at the corpse. "He's dead."

"Wow," Chase bent down and checked for breathing. "I never thought I'd see the day when you killed one."

"I didn't kill him." House argued. "He came in that way."

"A dead man walked into the clinic?" Chase wasn't buying it.

"He wasn't dead when he walked in," House said in frustration. "He was dying. He dropped dead when he got in here."

"The sight of you no doubt," Chase muttered under his breath. He looked up quickly, hoping House hadn't heard him.

"I won't forget that." House reprimanded. "Now go get the police. The man was murdered."

"What!" That had gotten Chase's attention.

"Go!" House ordered.

Chase returned a few minutes later. "Dr. Cuddy said to stay in here. The authorities are on their way." He stood in the doorway, nervously. House and a dead body, this wasn't exactly his idea of a good time.

Their silence was interrupted by the clearing of a throat in the doorway.

"May I help you?" House asked. Chase spun around to see who he was talking to.

"Gil Grissom, Las Vegas Crime Lab. I am working with the NJPD. We are here to process the scene."

"Well," House eyed the man suspiciously. "I know this is a happening hospital and all, but I didn't realize it was the scene." He stressed the word "the" before scene, the way the kids these days do to signify that something is number one in it's field.

"Would you step aside please." Grissom was not amused.

House stepped aside and made a flourish with his cane. Grissom walked past him, eyeing him suspiciously. He was followed by a buxom redhead. She was older than House liked them, but not bad on the eyes. He gave her a little smile. She smiled back.

"This is Kathrine Willows," Grissom made the introduction. "She will start processing. I have some questions."

"Shoot." House said, and threw his hands up in the air as if the man had a gun pointed at him.

"Which one of you is Dr. House?" He looked from Chase to House and back again.

"Guilty." House replied.

"Interesting choice of words." Grissom wrote something in his little notepad.

"I know. There were so many to choose from, but that one just popped into my pretty little head." He looked over at Willows. She was squatting by the body, and he could see down her shirt if he twisted his neck just a little.

Grissom followed his gaze, and cleared his throat trying to get House's attention. House didn't move his gaze. "Yes?" He said.

Grissom continued his questioning. "Did the victim say anything to you before he died?"

"You mean other than naming his killer, along with a detailed description? No." This guy was being so serious that House couldn't help himself.

"So that's a no."

"Yes."

Grissom just looked at him. So House clarified his statement. "Yes, it's a no."

"Fine." Grissom wrote in his notepad again. House stopped admiring the view as Willows got up and moved behind him. Now he decided to see what this guy was writing in his little book. Grissom pulled the notepad to him so that House couldn't see.

"Do you have any idea who this guy was?"

"Nope."

"Why he would come see you?"

"My guess is, he was sick. But I might be jumping to conclusions because of the fact that he died and all." This was too easy.

Grissom scribbled something else in his book. "You told this man," he pointed to Chase, "that you thought the victim was murdered. Care to explain that?"

"Love to." House clapped his hands together. "See, his eyes were dilated, and his mouth had a slight mist of foam coming out of it." Grissom looked over to Willows, and she nodded silently, confirming what House said.

"Go on."

"It was obvious the man had been poisoned. Now, people don't usually drink poison of their own free will, unless they are trying to kill themselves, in which case, it would probably not be smart to go to a hospital where people will try and save you."

"Maybe he had a change of heart," Willows said from behind House. He could feel her breath on his arm. He fought the urge to turn around.

"I doubt that. Look at him, looks like he'd been living in a dumpster. The homeless are less likely to have a change of heart after a suicide attempt. But I'm not the expert. You are, so I don't really know why you asked me in the first place."

Grissom looked at him. This guy was unbelievable. "Don't leave town." Grissom started helping Willows process the scene. House and Chase stood where they were, watching.

After the body was removed, and all the evidence was collected, Grissom approached House once more. "Do you have anything to add?"

"I would track down his ex-wife." House had a smug smile on his face. He knew the man was married because of the faint ring mark on his left ring finger.

"We noticed the ring mark too. What a sad twist of fate to drop dead in front of the doctor who could have saved your life." Grissom had a pensive look on his face.

For no reason whatsoever, House heard the beginning strains to a Who song pop into his head. "Who are you, who who who who who?" He started humming it as the CSI team left.


	12. Edie Britt, Desperate Housewives

EDIE BRITT

House went out to the waiting room. He took a file from the nurses station. "Britt," he called out, "Edie." A tall, scantily clad buxom blond sauntered over. "I'm Edie Britt," she said, extending a hand.

"Uh, right, follow me." House was finding it hard to speak. She was practically falling out of her low cut, tightly fitting top. He thought Dr. Cuddy might have something similar. She should wear it more often. He smiled.

House shut the exam room door and turned around. Edie was already unbuttoning her top. House didn't try to stop her. He could easily have examined her with it on, but this was so much better.

"Dr." Edie tossed the shirt on the bed. "It hurts, right here." As she spoke, she slid her finger between her cleavage and looked at him innocently.

House felt his leg twitch. "Right, I'd better check your heartbeat then. On the bed." He motioned for her to sit down. She hopped onto the bed and smiled.

He started blowing on the end of a stethoscope, trying to warm it up. When he was done, he pressed it carefully to her exposed flesh.

She let out a little giggle as her body shook in all the right places. "That's cold!" She giggled.

"Sorry about that. Let me warm it up some more." House was about to blow on it again, but Edie took his hand and moved it toward her mouth. "Let me," she purred.

She blew hot breath on his hand. Her breath was warm and damp. House felt a tightening in his nether region. He quickly pulled his hand away before things got carried away.

He checked her heartbeat without difficulty. "Sound good."

"I can think of something else that sounds good." Edie was leaning forward, her arms pressing her breasts even closer together. They were straining to stay in the lacy black bra.

"I bet you can." House hadn't come across a woman this aggressive in a long time. Usually he was all sexual innuendo, but this woman scared him a little, but in a good way.

"Now I have to take your temperature. Open wide."

"Just don't shove it in too hard." Edie responded, then shut her eyes and opened her mouth wide.

House felt that tingling sensation again. Down boy, he thought to himself. Trying to take his mind off the sexy woman in front of him, he started picturing dead kittens. It wasn't working. Now Vogler was playing with the dead kittens. That did it.

He removed the thermometer from her mouth, and she shut it, licking her lips seductively when she did. "Will I live?" She asked.

"There seems to be nothing wrong with you." House was certain she had only come in to mess with him. For a moment he thought of asking her if Dr. Cuddy had hired her to torment him, but he figured she wouldn't tell him if it was true.

"Maybe you should do a full body scan." She laid back in the bed.

"Oh," House said, now having to picture Vogler in a Speedo to keep his pants from tightening anymore. "I don't think that will be necessary."

Suddenly, House felt something climbing up his leg. He looked down to see Edie's bare foot, sliding seductively toward his inner thigh. Oh God, he thought. "Don't you want to play doctor?" She said, winking.

"Um," House was speechless. He fumbled for his pager and punched his emergency code. Moments later, Dr. Wilson rushed in. He stopped cold at the scene. Edie was still shirtless, her foot was in House's crotch and House was motionless.

"You sent for help?" Edie asked, surprised, but eyeing the new doctor with great interests.

"I thought you might like a second opinion." House said, finally backing away from her.

Dr. Wilson was grinning like the Cheshire Cat. "I would be more than happy to do a consult."

Edie smiled at him. "I bet you would." House felt slightly like he had led a lamb to slaughter, but he had been desperate. It had been five years since a woman had touched him, and he felt that Edie Britt might be just a little too much woman for the job.

House excused him self, quietly enough to be sure they wouldn't hear him, and scuttled out the door. He heaved a great sigh of relieve when he realized he'd gotten away. Then he rushed to the bathroom to splash some cold water on his face.

When he returned from the bathroom, Dr. Wilson was escorting Edie out of the exam room. They both looked quiet pleased. Edie gave Dr. Wilson hug and a little peck on the cheek, and then shook his hand goodbye. House couldn't help but notice a small white slip of paper pass from her hand to his under cover of the handshake. Her number, House thought. He felt a slight pang of regret. That could have been him, getting the hot chicks number.

Wilson walked over and gave House a big smile and a pat on the back. "I owe you, big!"

Dr. Cuddy looked over and saw the two men just standing around. "Get back to work you two." She bellowed.


	13. Edward Vogler, the Devil's spawn

EDWARD VOGLER

House went back to his room. He felt like a little boy being set to his room as punishment. He heard the door open, but didn't turn around. It was probably just Cuddy wanting to yell at him some more. The door shut, without anyone entering the room. House was intrigued by this. He went to the door and opened it, just in time to hear a loud voice bellow out, "DR. CUDDY!"

House could only see the man's back, but he knew immediately who it was.

"What's wrong, Mr. Vogler?" Cuddy was walking up to the man, reluctantly. She was always very polite with the patients, it was one of the things that made her so good at her miserable job, but House could see her struggling to be nice to this particular patient.

"Is this your idea of a joke?" Vogler boomed.

"Am I laughing? Cuddy shot back.

"I am not going to be checked out by that man!" Vogler swung his arm back, pointing at House, who was leaning in the doorway thoroughly enjoying the show. "Get me another doctor, now!" He screamed the last word.

"All our other doctors are busy, Mr. Vogler. House is the best doctor we have on staff. I am sure you will be in good hands." Cuddy was struggling to keep her voice calm. She hated Vogler just as much as House did, and it was showing.

"I'll wait." Vogler was not going to be bullied.

"Suit yourself." Cuddy turned and walked away. She was stopped by a piercing scream. When she turned around, she saw the big man doubled over, clutching his stomach. "Just have a seat over there. I will call you when another doctor is ready."

House smiled. Go Cuddy! He had been mad at her for giving him all the freaks and nut cases today, but she had just redeemed herself. He knew that she wouldn't hesitate to reassign a doctor at a patient's request, but not this patient. She was just getting back at Vogler for all the crap he'd but the hospital through. Vogler had underestimated her love of her hospital. It was really all she had, and she would protect it like a mother bear.

Suddenly the large man collapsed to the floor, causing a large thud to ring through the waiting room. Both Cuddy and House rushed to his side. Well, Cuddy rushed, House more like ambled. By the time House got to Vogler, Cuddy was already trying to help the man into sitting position. "Do you still want to wait for another doctor?" She asked him.

"You do it." He glowered at her.

"I don't like you any more than he does, so I really don't know what difference it's going to make." She was way beyond being civil. She hated this man. House was trying hard to suppress a laugh, but a little of it got away from him. Cuddy shot him a dirty look and he abruptly stopped.

Cuddy looked around. Foreman and Wilson were just finishing some paperwork at the nurse's station. "I need a little help over here." She called to them. When they came over she asked them to carry Vogler to exam room 2. They heaved the big man up, and slowly made their way into the room.

"Oh good. I'll take Foreman." Vogler said, relieved.

"You'll take him where?" Cuddy was quite enjoying messing with him.

"As my doctor. He's obviously finished with his last patient."

"Yes, and he has several more lined up to see him."

Wilson and Foreman dropped their burden onto the bed and stood looking uncomfortably at Cuddy. "Thank you," she said in way of dismissal. As they left, Foreman turned back and gave Vogler a little smile and a wave. When the door shut behind them, they broke into laughter. She was really letting him have it.

"Now, Mr. Vogler, I will get back to my work, and Dr. House will examine you." She gave House a little wink, knowing he was going to enjoy poking and prodding the jerk. He gave her a smile in return, then turned to Vogler as the door shut behind her.

"So, Mr. Vogler, tell me where it hurts." His voice was oozing with false concern.

"Damn you!" Vogler shot at him, but a burst of pain rippled through his body and he became much more cooperative.

As he told House his troubles, the doctor was unwrapping a stethoscope. Usually the doctors would warm it up before placing it on the patient's bare skin. The metal plate could be pretty cold. House didn't see this as an issue. "Unbutton your shirt." He ordered. Vogler just looked at him. He didn't like the glint in House's eye, but he did as he was told.

House pressed the cold stethoscope against Vogler's chest. "Wow," he mocked surprise. "I found something."

Vogler looked worried. "What is it?"

"You do have a heart." House smiled at him.

"I'll sue you for everything you have." Vogler threatened. House just ignored him.

He silently went to the drawer and pulled out a thermometer. He took off the protective wrapping, grinning sheepishly. "Bend over please." He said, turning around and looking at Vogler with the devil in his eyes.

"House!" Vogler bellowed, shaking the walls.

"Oh, I'm just messing with you," House said in a playful manner. "I feel it lightens the mood if I joke around with the patient. Makes them less anxious."

"Don't." It was a command, not a request.

"Very well. I think we're done here."

"What's the diagnosis?"

"You are a heartless bustard."

"Damn you, House. Tell me what's wrong with me." Vogler was visibly loosing patience.

"You have a severe case of heartburn. Nothing a little Mylanta won't cure. But, as your doctor…"

"You are NOT my doctor."

"As A doctor, I suggest you modify your diet before this turns into something much more severe." House left the room.

When Vogler came out, he marched straight over to Dr. Cuddy, who was talking to a patient. He didn't seem to see that as a reason to stay quiet. "You can thank your little boyfriend."

She looked at him like he had two heads.

"House just wrote you and him a ticket out of this hospital. You will be hearing from my lawyers."

Cuddy stood speechless, watching Vogler leave. She turned to House and just looked at him. He expected her to look angry, but she didn't. He shrank back into his room, waiting for the next patient, and hoping this night would end soon.


	14. Drakken and Shego, Kim Possible

DRAKKEN AND SHEGO

House heard a noise overhead. He looked up but saw nothing, so he went back to playing his video game. He jumped as a small piece of ceiling tile crashed to the floor beside him. Something was going on. He thought about it for a moment, realized nothing good could be going on, and started to head for the door.

He was only a few feet away from the door when a large ceiling tile landed on the floor in front of him. He nearly fell over, and had to pull on his cane to keep him up. The ceiling tile was followed by a woman. She was dressed in some sort of black and green cat suit and had long black hair.

Normally House would enjoy a shapely woman falling out of the sky at his feet, but he had a feeling this wasn't a booty call. He was distracted by the fact that the woman was green; her skin was a strange pale green.

She totally ignored him, calling up into the hole. "Come on Dr. D. It's safe. I'll catch you." She then proceeded to move away from the hole, lean against a wall and file her nails. House backed away when he heard a creaking noise from above. Suddenly a large blue shape dropped quickly from the ceiling. It let out a cry of pain as it crashed to the floor.

House recognized the blue thing as a man. House couldn't believe his eyes. A green woman and a blue man were now standing in front of him. The green woman still filing her nails hadn't even looked up as the man crashed down. The man was now wiping dust off his blue outfit.

House studied him carefully. The man was huge, hulking. He had a light blue face, and a deep scar running down one side. His voice was surprisingly high pitched. "SHEGO!" He yelled in his cartoonish voice. "You said you would catch me." He was practically whining.

"Yeah, but I didn't say I'd do it now." Shego put away the nail file and surveyed the room. She caught sight of House trying to get out. She sprang up into the air and made a perfect landing right in front of him. "Where do you think your going?"

"I was going to get a refill on my Vicodin. Obviously someone replaced my last batch with some psychedelics. By the way, do you know you're green?" House really was starting to think he was on a bad trip.

"Yes I know I'm green. Did you know you're pasty?"

Dr. Drakken stood behind Shego, laughing and pointing at House. "You got served."

"Drakken, focus." Shego snapped. Then she started toward House, really slow. He was backing away from her. "We need your help." She said, trying to sound sweet, but failing miserably.

Drakken was still snickering. "Yeah, oh, this is my best plan yet, isn't it Shego?" He didn't wait for her to answer. "See, I am taking the minds of some of the greatest minds in the world. I am putting them all into my Mind Blower. It will blow your smarts onto my robot army." He was giggling giddily now. Obviously pleased with himself.

House looked on in stunned silence. He was backed into a corner now, and there really wasn't anything else for him to do. It wasn't like he could make much of a run for it.

Shego stopped and turned to Drakken. "Really Dr. D. Do you have to tell everyone your evil plan? What if he gets away? He'll go and tell Kim Possible, and then her and her little sidekick, and that rodent, will show up and ruin everything. Haven't you learned anything?"

Drakken stood looking at her like a scolded child. House half expected him to put his thumb in his mouth and start crying. But they were distracted. House could use this to his benefit. He tried making a run for the door. He ignored the pain. He doubted his leg hurt as much as having his brain sucked into some contraption.

Shego turned on him. Her hand blazed with green fire. Green fire? House shook his head. Was he seeing things? As if that weren't hard enough to accept, some sort of pink rodent just ran across his foot. Shego shot a green flame at the rodent. "Kim Possible is here. Quick, Dr. D." She kicked out the window, and jumped, Dr. Drakken following her. "I'll be baaaacckkk," he called out behind him. His voice vibrating as he tumbled down the side of the building.

Dr. Cuddy came in a few seconds later. She took a quick look at the room, and one long look at House. "What happened this time?" She said, looking forward to what crazy story he'd come up with this time.

"You might want to call the exterminator. We seem to have a rodent problem." He looked around wondering where the little pink rodent had gone to.

Cuddy shook her head and walked out.


	15. Ozzy Osbourne

OZZY OSBOURNE

House started pushing debris around with his cane, not really moving anything, but making half an effort. The door opened, which he saw as an opportunity to stop what he was doing.

An old man shuffled it, a bulldog in one arm, the other arm busy leaning against the wall to hold him up. His long black hair was hanging around his face, but House knew at once who it was. "Ozzy!" House called out, making the devil horns with his free hand.

Ozzy looked up. "Ayemn", he slurred, holding up his own devil horns. "willyaloatisplac?" House shook his head. He didn't understand a word of what was said. "Iiloklikmeousafraparty."

"Alrighty, lets see what's wrong with you." House fumbled in his pocket for a pen. "First, though, I need you to sign this release." He hoped that Ozzy wouldn't notice it was a blank prescription form. He just really wanted Ozzy's autograph, but Gregory House was way too cool to ask for an autograph. Ozzy dropped the dog on the floor and took the pen. Ozzy's handwriting was as cryptic as his speach. House could only assume he had written his name. He put the paper neatly back in his pocket.

The dog was sniffing around House's leg. House didn't like the look in the dog's bloodshot eyes and he tried to push the dog away with his cane. This only made the dog more amorous. House gave Fido a good hard push when the dog hopped up on his leg and started pumping away.

"Dowsid", Ozzy commanded the dog. Oddly enough the dog understood what he'd said and ran to his side. Ozzy dropped a piece of something on the floor, and the dog lapped it up greedily.

House gave the dog a mean look and began his examination. Ozzy's heart was beating a mile a minute. His eyes were bloodshot, his pulse was racing, he was sweating profusely. He also seemed to be having difficulty breathing, and House had noticed a constant cough.

"Wasamatawime?" Ozzy asked.

"Uh," House was trying to decipher the code Ozzy was speaking in. The most likely thing was that Ozzy had asked what was wrong with him. House hopped this was the right guess. "You appear to be having an asthma attack."

"Aazmatac?" Ozzy said in wonder.

"Uh, yes?" House guessed at the right answer. "Were you aware you had asthma?"

"Noiyinno. Maan,thaintgood."

"No." House took another stab in the dark.

Suddenly Ozzy shot up off the bed. "Stopit!" He commanded. At first House wasn't sure what he'd done to upset his patient, but then he noticed the dog walking past him, head down, tail between it's legs. House looked over to where the dog had originated, and saw a steaming heap of crap. Oh great, House thought, Cuddy's gonna blame me for that too. "Souryboudat. Gotta run." It was the first thing he'd said that House actually understood. "Thanxman." Ozzy scooped up the dog and took off. He was quite spry for a man in his condition.


	16. Tom Cruise

TOM CRUISE

House heard wild yelling in the hallway, so he stuck his head out the exam room door. Some crazy man was running around, grabbing people and saying something to them, House couldn't make out what he was saying, and he didn't really care to.

Dr. Cuddy saw him as he tried to sneak back into his office. "Dr. House," she called to him, grabbing the crazy man by the arm and dragging him along with her. The crazy man was grabbing Cuddy back, and gave her a big hug. She looked at House helplessly. "This is your next patient." She pushed the crazy man into House's room.

Dr. House glared at her and mouthed the words "I hate you." She responded the same way, but blew him a little kiss before she turned and walked away. That woman was going to pay, House thought. He shut the door and turned to his new patient.

He was older than he tried to look. His hair was tussled, but in a very deliberate way, using way too much mousse, but trying to make it look natural. He was wearing tight jeans and a black tee shirt about two sizes too small, in an attempt to show off his rather well defined body.

The tee shirt had something on it. If the man would stop pacing, House could read it. Finally House caught a look at the front of the tee shirt. It was the picture of a very pretty young girls face. Above it were the words "I love this woman" in big red letters.

The man saw House looking at the tee shirt. A huge smile covered his face. "She's my fiancé," he said rather calmly. Then, without warning, he started jumping up and down. "I really love this woman!" "She loves me too!" He was still jumping up and down, so House simulated jumping with him by bobbing up and down.

"Good for you." House was bending his knees in mock jumping. It was kind of fun.

The encouraging words just fueled the man's excitement. He jumped up on the bed, threw his arms wide ala Scott Stapp of Creed and screamed "I'm in LOOOOVVVEEE!"

House looked at him with a furrowed brow. This man was clearly insane. House pulled out his prescription pad and wrote out a prescription for some Catapres and handed it to the patient, Tom.

Tom grabbed the slip of paper and read it. His face changed. The smile was gone. At first he looked confused, then amused, but that was quickly replaced by a brief flash of rage, and then pity.

He shook his head in disgust, rounding out his tour of emotions. "You doctors," he sad with condescension dripping from his mouth. "You think you can play God with your little pills and your big, bad machines. Torture devices, that's what they are. Torture devices. You are turning American's into mindless vegetables who run for a bottle to cure every little problem. You poke and prod the bodies that God gave us, thinking you can fix something when you know nothing about it. You prescribe your pills, and use your devices of torture…"

House cut him off. "You've gone over that bit already."

Tom looked at him with distain. Now he was angry. He tore the prescription up and tossed it in House's face. "Why…why did you do that? You didn't have to do that. I don't need your so called cures. I don't need to become one of your zombies…"

"Apparently you are already someone else's zombie." House was growing tired of this man's tirade. It had been very entertaining, but House had other patients to tend to, and Cuddy wasn't going to let him leave until he'd seen them all.

Tom ignored the remark. "I don't need your witch's brews, your magic elixirs, your quick fixes. I am not a slave to medication."

House reached into his pocket and pulled out his bottle of Vicodin. He made a very exaggerated effort to open the bottle and pour three little pills into his mouth. "Yummy." He said as he swallowed the pills.

"You disgust me. What sort of example is that setting? You are killing your body."

House was tired of this game. "Don't you mean my body is killing me? The truth is, Tom, that we are already dying. The moment we are born we start to die. Every day millions of our cells die off. Our hair follicles stop producing, our sperm count diminishes. It is a fact of life. Doctors are here to make this process just a little more pleasant. To give people a few more months or years to their lives, to see their children grow up, to hear their favorite song one more time, to take one more stroll down a quite street. We prescribe drugs to ward off the pain of dying. We try to ease the suffering of this thing called life. We make the long, tedious march toward death just a little longer, and a little less painful."

Tom was speechless. Not one word of what House said had really gotten through to him. He was busy skimming through what he'd read in Dianetics, looking for a rebuttal, but he was coming up empty. In desperation, he looked down at his shirt. The smiling face of his fiancé was looking out at him. A dopey smile returned to his face as he pointed to the shirt and said, "This is the woman I love. She knows the truth, and someday you will too."

"Great." House was slowly pushing him toward the door. "I can't wait. Does enlightenment hurt, I mean, when they stick those probes in your head, were you awake, could you feel the ability to think slipping away from you."

"You're a jerk!" Tom stormed out of the room, and House slammed the door behind him.


	17. Mulder & Scully

House snuck back into the clinic. He looked around hoping to avoid Dr. Cuddy. She was nowhere in sight, so he sidled into his exam room and picked up the chart. Mulder, Fox, and Scully, Dana. Hip problem. Hmm. Cuddy was pushing them threw two at a time now. That was fine with House. Get em in and out and he could get out of here sooner.

He called the pair of patients into the room. They came in, walking side by side. They were as close together as two people could be while having their clothes on. Newlyweds, House thought. "What's wrong with you two, joined at the hip?" He laughed at his little joke. He thought they would laugh too, or get mad. What he didn't expect was the furtive sidelong glance they gave each other. These two were a funny pair.

"Well," He continued, undaunted. "If you'll just have a seat on the bed there. I will begin the exam." He didn't know which one to address, so he kept his statement open. He should have known they would both follow his instructions. But rather than simply turning and sitting down, they did something odd. Scully turned around in place while Mulder followed close to her side. They made the circle until they had switched sides, and then sat down in unison. These two were taking togetherness to whole new heights.

"And what seems to be troubling you?" House asked. Again he didn't know which one to address, so he sort of stared at the empty space between their heads.

It was Scully who spoke first. "It's a little hard to explain."

House looked at her. This was going to be good. "Just use small words and if I get lost I'll stop you."

"We are joined at the hip." She said it very matter of fact. Usually people who are this close to one another don't like that term, they think it's derogatory. But she seemed to have embraced it, though House had no idea what it had to do with their visit to the clinic. Had Mulder given her crabs or something?

"That's fine, if you enjoy that sort of thing. I was thinking more along the lines of what is medically wrong with you." He looked at Mulder. He looked like a sensible enough fellow. Maybe he could give House a straight answer.

Mulder looked up at him with a helpless expression on his face. He popped a few sunflower seeds in his mouth and grinned. House turned back to Scully. She was talking to him.

"Mulder and I work with unusual things, chemicals, and such. Something seems to have triggered a sort of melding process." She lifted the corner of her shirt closest to Mulder.

"You are going to have to scoot down a little. I can't get close enough to get a good look."

Mulder looked up, swallowed more sunflower seeds. "That's not going to be possible."

"House, what do you mean? Sure you like each other. It's sweet. But really. What do you think is going to happen? Do you think you will fall out of love if you are sitting two feet away from each other?"

At the word love both Mulder and Scully averted their eyes, and tried looking anywhere but at each other. Mulder popped some more sunflower seeds, leaving Scully to do the talking. "First off, we are NOT a couple. We work together." Mulder gave House a look that told him there was a lot more to that story than she was willing to tell. She didn't notice, so she continued with her explanation. "Our line of business brings us in contact with unexplainable things."

Mulder mouthed the word aliens and nodded his head. Scully saw this and rolled her eyes. "We come in contact with chemicals and other natural substances that cause unexplainable phenomenon. Mulder likes to think it is supernatural, but there is always a logical explanation for what happens."

"Yeah, so explain this." Mulder lifted his shirt up high, and finally House could see the problem. A fleshy tube connected Mulder and Scully's bodies just above the hip. House let out one big laugh. They really were joined at the hip.

"It isn't funny." Scully said, crossing her arms. Why did men always find everything funny? Was she the only one concerned about this?

"No," House said. "You are absolutely right." He had to suppress a laugh. "So, how did this happen?"

"We are not at liberty to say." Scully gave the party line, but at the same time Mulder blurted out, "It was aliens. We were abducted and..." He stopped when Scully elbowed him in the ribs.

House looked from one to the other. He decided he liked Scully's story better, so he went with it. "Well, there isn't much I can do. You will need to have him surgically removed."

Scully gave a little laugh and looked over at Mulder. "Do you think we could get that done here? Today?"

"Well, the administrator does owe me big time. I think I can get you scheduled for today." House got on his phone and paged Cuddy. Then he went and sat in the chair in the corner of the room and took out his Gameboy.

"Um, what are you doing?" Scully asked.

"Trying to get past the pack of rabid zombie wolves. I always run out of ammo right before the last zombie wolf comes out."

"What about our problem?"

House wouldn't have answered anyway, but Mulder gave him a good cover by totally changing the subject. "Oh, man, I know that game. What you have to do is hide behind the rock when the first zombie wolf comes out. Wait for the third one to get behind him, then shoot them both together. It saves a bullet for the final zombie wolf."

House was so grateful for the info that he actually looked up from his game. "Thanks." It was brief, but it was heartfelt.

The moment was killed when Cuddy walked through the door. "What is it now?" She said, hands on her hips and that oh so familiar look of exasperation on her face.

"I need a surgeon and an operating room."

"Sure, would you like fries with that?"

"No, but I wouldn't turn down some chocolate chip cookies."

"I'll keep that in mind."

While House and Cuddy were playing yet another game of verbal tennis, Mulder and Scully looked at one another knowingly. This felt all too familiar. Scully finally decided she's heard enough. "We really need to have surgery done today. I know it is asking a lot, but this is something of an emergency."

Cuddy walked over and inspected the patients. Her eyes grew quite large when she saw the bizarre piece of flesh that extended between these two people. "Siamese twins?" She made her best guess.

"Not exactly," House answered for them. "Go ahead, Mulder, tell her what happened."

Mulder was only too glad to oblige. "Well, we were abducted by aliens a few years back. They ran many experiments on us. One of these experiments was an attempt to merge us into one being. A sort of two brained super human. Luckily we managed to get away before the experiment was completed."

Scully had tried to stop him from speaking, but he kept her busy by trying to shove his hand over her mouth. She was relieved when she saw that Dr. Cuddy didn't believe a word of what he said.

"Right. Well, I am afraid I don't have any doctors proficient in alien technology, though I do often wonder if some of them aren't from another planet." She gave House a sidelong glance. "Still, I think I will be able to find someone to help you. Would you follow me please."

Cuddy lead the alien experiment out of the room. House was always astounded by how well she'd taken it. He expected her to yell at him for something. She always seemed to find something to yell at him for.

Alone once more, House pulled out his Gameboy. He ducked behind the rock and waited for the third zombie wolf to come out. When it did he shot through two at one time. "Yes!" When the last zombie wolf came out, House shot it right between the eyes. "You da man!" He said to himself and did a little victory dance in his chair.


	18. Anna Nicole

ANNA NICOLE

House hummed a merry tune while he waited for his next patient. He stopped as soon as he realized what he was doing. Oh, he thought, I must be loosing it. When do I sing a merry tune? He shivered.

The door opened and an overly buxom blond fell in. House nearly fell of his chair laughing. He had never seen anyone tumble threw a door and land flat on their face. This was great.

The woman rolled onto her back, attempting to get up. I should help her, thought House, but then he looked at his leg, and he looked at her, and thought that being pulled onto the floor himself wasn't really going to help anyone. He shouted out "I need help. Big burley help."

She was still rolling around on the floor, laughing as she tried to sit up, her feet lifting off the floor as she tried to force her top half up. Foreman and Chase ran into the room. "What's wrong," Foreman breathed heavily. Seems he'd run here. House wondered why he wasn't always that responsive.

It was Chase who looked down first. He saw the woman giggling and wiggling around. "I think she needs help."

"Yes, could you two strapping men help her to the bed." They weren't exactly the big burley help House asked for, but they seemed to be all he was going to get. Foreman and Chase each grabbed her by an arm, and with a loud grunt, lifted her to her feet. Poor Chase looked like he was going to buckle under the weight, but he showed unusual grit as he helped guide her to the bed.

Foreman was giving House an annoyed look. "Is that all?"

"Yeah, thanks." House was so used to that look that he didn't think twice about it. Chase and Foreman left. As they went, Chase took one last look at the woman, now sitting precariously on the edge of the bed. She looked a little like Humpty Dumpty just before the big fall. He shut the door, snickering to himself.

"Now," House approached the woman, his eyes grew to the size of saucers when he looked into her deep cleavage. "Wow." The word escaped his mouth without warning. "Are those real?"

"Say shur arrr." She slurred, her head lolling around atop her head. It mad him slightly dizzy when he looked up, so he averted his eyes, back into the depths of her breasts.

She noticed that he wasn't saying anything, so she thought she should begin the discussion. "I'm Anna Nicole." She threw her arms in the air, and tilted her head back. "I wanna getta checkup." She lowered her arms, sliding them along the many, many curves of her body.

"Is that so?" House was fascinated. He leaned in and smelled her breath. Nope, not drunk. Now he was even more fascinated. She had to be on something. "Well, that's what I'm here for." He went over to a table and got his stethoscope. He smiled, this was going to be interesting.

He held the stethoscope to her chest. He put the little ends in his ears. He waited. There was nothing. No sound of a heart, beating beneath her heaving bosom. He knew there must be. He tried again. Still nothing. He was going to need to cut out the middle man. "Um, miss…"

"You c'n call me Aaaaaannnnnnnaaaaa." She lingered on the last word, drawing it out until she ran out of air and had to take a breath.

"OK, Aaannnaaa." House tried to imitate her, but his lungs were nowhere near as large as hers, and couldn't hold even half as much air. "I'm going to have to check your heartbeat the old fashioned way." He placed a hand on her shoulder, and another on the bed next to her leg. He had to brace himself for this. He then, slowly moved his head toward her chest until his ear rested softly on her left breast. He still couldn't hear anything, so he pressed his head in tighter.

He was concentrating so hard on listening for the heartbeat he nearly had a heart attack when he heard a voice behind him. "Uh, Dr. House." He straightened up too fast, and felt momentarily dizzy. He turned to face Dr. Cameron, feeling slightly embarrassed at his predicament.

"Hello, there, Dr. Cameron."

"What where you doing?" She looked really worried.

"What does it look like? Oh, don't answer that. I was checking her heartbeat."

"Wouldn't one of these be easier?" Cameron held up the stethoscope House still had draped around his neck.

"Tried it. Didn't work. Had to get all old school." He smiled at her. He knew it would disarm her. It did.

"Do you need some help?" She looked up at him sweetly. She didn't want to leave him here alone with this woman.

"Nope. All set. Now that you've told me what this thing is for, I think I'm good." He held up the stethoscope and approached her like he was going to check her heartbeat. Cameron squeed and ran out of the room.

House turned back to his patient. "Well, your heart is beating. If it weren't you wouldn't be breathing. So let's just move on, shall we." He took out a thermometer. He shook it and placed it in her mouth.

He waited the requisite amount of time, then reached out to remove it. Unfortunately, she opened her mouth too soon, and the instrument fell right down between her two enormous breasts, and vanished into the darkness. "Slippery little suckers." House commented as he rolled up his sleeve. "Hold still, I'm going in."

Anna would have held still, but when she laughed, her whole body participated. House's hand was halfway down her shirt when he lost control of it. Her wiggling had caused him to get stuck momentarily. He could just feel the end of the thermometer and knew just one more inch and it would be his.

"Hhm." A voice was cleared behind him, and a foot was tapping a very steady rhythm on the floor.

"Dr. Cuddy," House responded, not needing to turn around. "I could use your help here."

"What, do you want me to cup the other one?"

House laughed. "I'm, uh, stuck."

"Of course you are." Cuddy wasn't buying it for one minute.

"Cuddy, I'm stuck. Would you just give me a little help."

She could tell by his voice he wasn't kidding. She put her arms around his waist, and put one foot against the bed for stability. She gave several good pulls before House's arm was released from its fleshy prison. With a burst of power, the two doctors were sent back from the bed.

A big thud was followed by a yelp of pain from both doctors. "House!" Cuddy screamed. "Get off me!" She pushed House's prone body off of hers.

House let out another yelp of pain. "Somebody's been working out." He gave one of Cuddy's biceps a squeeze.

Cuddy pushed his hand away. "Get off me!" She said, stressing the word off.

"I do think she protests too much." He replied, turning to Anna Nicole. Cuddy followed his gaze and stood staring. The woman was flat on her back on the bed, snoring like a buzzsaw.

Cuddy looked at House. "Why don't you take a little break? I think you could use it."

House turned on the sarcasm. "Really, can I? Oh thank you master." He bowed his way out of the room while Cuddy shook her head in exasperation. She flipped off the light, and shut the door. It's often best to let sleeping giants lay, she thought.


	19. The Addams Family

I am adding some of the old chappies of this series of one shots with the hopes of starting it up again with some new characters. I've got one in mind that I really want to do, possibly two. I'm also open to suggestions, but since I don't watch everything I might not be able to write everything suggested.

* * *

THE ADDAMS FAMILY

House sat twiddling his thumps. It seemed like forever since a patient had come into the exam room. He'd finished his game of Astro Blaster and was now kicking himself for not bringing any other games with him. Silly House, he thought he would be working. Why wasn't Cuddy letting him go if there were no more patients.

House decided that his curiosity was far stronger than his desire to avoid working, so he peeked his head out the exam room door. He saw someone heading straight for his room, and quickly slammed the door. It wasn't just someone, it was a group of someone's, a very scary group of someone's.

He fumbled with the lock. Just as he managed to lock it, he saw the handle giggle. He wiped his forehead with his sleeve. "That was close". He could hear the voices just outside the door.

"What's wrong Cara Mia?" A man with a rather odd sort of non-accent said.

"The door is locked." A woman answered.

"That's strange." The man responded.

A squeaky male voice followed up. "But that strange lady over there told us to go in. Why would she do that?"

"I don't know uncle Fester." The lady replied. House missed the next few comments as he thought about Uncle Fester. Who would name their child after a festering wound? That was soooo wrong.

House felt himself being thrown back. The door was ripped off it's hinges and the largest man House had ever seen, and a part of him doubted it could possibly be a man, with that pale skin and rather prominent forehead, walked through the door.

"Thank you Lurch." A woman dressed in a long black evening gown with long black hair walked through. The gown looked like something Cuddy would wear on Halloween, all skin tight, plunging neckline and very vampy.

House watched, stunned as a man in a pinstriped suit, smoking a cigar walked through. Didn't he realize that cigars aren't allowed in hospitals, not as a rule anyway. House tried to tell him, but it someone must have unhinged his jaw because it just wasn't functioning at the moment.

Pinstripes was followed by the strangest sight yet. A bald little monk shuffled through the door. He looked like a monk only because he was wearing a long brown robe made of the itchiest looking material House had ever seen.

Two small children, ran in after him. They looked like they had walked right out of an Edward Gorey book. House pinched himself, just to make sure he wasn't dreaming. He wasn't. It was a terrible disappointment to him.

Pinstripes held out a hand. "Hello, I'm Gomez Addams. This is my wife Morticia." He was pumping House's hand, which House felt compelled to give him, but stopped abruptly when his wife gave her greeting in French. "Ah, Tish, you know it drives me crazy when you speak French." He started kissing his way up her arm.

"Now Gomez," she scolded, but didn't put up too much of a fight. "We are hear on very sad business. Don't get distracted."

"Ah, right." He pulled himself away from her, while the big man, standing back toward the door and holding it against the frame groaned and shook his head.

Tish turned toward the little girl. "Now Wednesday, tell the doctor what's wrong." Despite her rather frightening appearance, the woman seemed genuinely concerned about her daughter.

Wednesday walked up to House, and he felt himself take a couple steps back. What are you doing, he thought to himself, she's just a little girl. He bent over and noticed she was holding a doll in her arms. Her head was down against the doll so he couldn't see her face. "What's you dolls name?" He tried to break the ice.

"Marie Antoinette." The little girl said, lifting her head slowly to reveal her face and her dolls lack of one. The doll had no head, and although the name Marie Antoinette should have prepared House for that fact, it hadn't. He almost took another few steps back, but gathered enough courage to stand firm. She was just a little girl.

"And what seems to be the trouble?" House wasn't sure he wanted to know, but the sooner he figured it out, the sooner they would leave, and that was not soon enough for him.

The little girl had a pretty smile on her face. Her cheeks were rosy and her skin almost glowed. She was a beautiful little girl and showed no physical signs of being ill.

"What are you talking about, man?" Gomez seemed shocked. "Isn't it obvious? Look at her." Morticia was looking a little unsatisfied with House's question as well.

House grabbed his bottle of Vicodin from his pocket and instead of popping a couple like he normally would, he carefully read the label. Then he took a pill out and inspected it. He took another out and inspected it. He took out a third, just to make sure the first two hadn't been flukes. He popped all three of them in his mouth when he was satisfied that the pharmacy hadn't given him the wrong prescription.

If it wasn't a dream, and it wasn't hallucinogenic drugs, then these people had to be for real. He pinched himself one more time to be sure. It was a little too hard this time, and he let out a small "ouch".

"See", he could just hear Morticia whispering. "He's one of us." House didn't like the sound of that one bit.

Gomez, in his flamboyant fashion spoke to House. "Ah, the sweet release of pain. Isn't it great? Just what the doctor ordered, my grandpapa used to say. Clears the mind and refreshes the soul." He looked like he was fondly remembering some sort of pain.

The bald monk jumped in. "I like to spend at least 3 hours a day on the rack." He patted his chest. "Keeps me so young and healthy."

House wanted nothing more than to make a run for it. But he was a professional, so he was going to stay. That and the fact that a giant who looked like he wanted nothing more than to pick his teeth with House's skinny little body was blocking the door.

"I seem to be missing something." House looked back at the little girl, but she still looked like the healthiest one in the bunch.

"Maybe you need a little more light." The monk squeaked.

"Thing, a light." It was the first time House really noticed the box Morticia was holding in her hands. At first she looked like the witch in Snow White, holding the box where she gave the woodsman to put Snow White's heart in. House really hoped there wasn't a heart in there, until he saw what was in there.

The box opened on it's own, and the first thing that came out was a lightbulb. They carry their own lightbulb with them, in a wooden box? House knew these people were wierd, but he didn't think they were crazy. OK, he did, but not that kind of crazy. Then he saw the hand that was holding the lightbulb.

House had to do a double take, then a triple take, then he doubled the triple take. The hand was moving. It gave the lightbulb to the monk and gave a little wave, and a thumbs up to the girl. No matter how much House wanted to run at that point, his legs were just too scared to do anything.

The monk took the lightbulb, which appeared to be just an ordinary household lightbulb, and put it in his mouth. It wasn't the first thing House would have done, but it seemed to be appropriate, because as soon as it was in his mouth, the lightbulb lit up.

Now, House was not the most trusting man, and if anyone had said they could light a lightbulb in their mouth, House would have bet them all the money he had that he could tell them how they did it. House was glad he didn't make that bet today, because he could not figure out how this guy was creating light.

The monk bent down on one knee so the lightbulb was at the same level as the little girls face.

"Thank you Fester." Gomez said, giving the monk a pat on the shoulder. "See doctor. She's all...rosy." He said the word like it was a really bad one. "And smiley. That's just, well, it's disgusting."

"Gomez!" Morticia protested as the little girl looked up at her father with a hurt expression.

"No, no. Wednesday darling, you know daddy loves you, but I miss my beautifully morose little girl. What will the neighbors think?"

House didn't know what was going on, but he now knew what these people wanted from him. He had to make their little girl unhappy. His first attempt was to steal her doll and start bashing it's lack of a head on the hospital bed. He stopped this immediately as the thing they called Lurch lurched forward, all 8 or 9 feet of him.

Next House tried to kick her in the shin, but she didn't seem to mind all that much. She smiled, while the rest of the family looked on and clapped and cheered. They stopped when they saw that she was still flesh colored and smiling.

This called for drastic measures. House got in real close, almost bending in half to be on the same level as the girl. "I have to tell you the truth." He tried to sound as grave as possible, which was something he was quite good at, but he didn't think it would be even close to their level of gravety.

"You are going to die. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but one day your body will lay in a deep grave, rotting and being eaten by worms. You're flesh will decay and your teeth will rot. All that will be left of you are some torn clothes and brittle bones. And then even those will decay and vanish and you will no longer be even a fading memory."

She was ghost white now, and the smile was gone. Well, it wasn't really gone, it had just changed. Her old smile seemed fake, seemed ingenuine. She was now smiling with a glint of morbidity behind it. Her whole family was smiling, in fact. House got the strongest feeling of creeping willies he'd ever had. If he never saw those smiling faces again they would still haunt his nightmares for the rest of his life.

"You've cured her." Gomez had House locked in an embrace. "Good man, good man." He patted House on the back and handed him a cigar.

"Thank you so much Dr. House." Morticia was hugging her little girl close to her tightly clad body.

They shuffled out the door with much hugging and backpatting and statements of "you are truly one of us" and other things that made House's skin crawl. Even the hand in the box came out to shake House's hand, which wasn't in a box, and House hoped would never be in a box.

When they had all shuffled out, Lurch picked up the door and placed it gently back in the door frame. House stood there for some time looking at the door. It was askew and looked as though it might fall if anyone tried to touch it, so House walked over and gave it a good shove. The door went crashing to the floor and everyone in the waiting room turned around, except the Addams Family who seemed not even to notice as they filed out the front door of the clinic and faded off into his nightmares. He waved as they left. He didn't know why. It just felt like the right thing to do. He was, after all, one of them. Then he collapsed in a dead faint.

4


	20. Gregory House

GREGORY HOUSE

Wilson and the Ducklings went running to where House lay on the floor. Cuddy was already by his side. She was on her way to see him when he collapsed in a dead faint.

"What happened?" Wilson was out of breath. He wasn't as young as he used to be.

"He's fainted." Cuddy had thrown her clipboard down and was checking his vitals.

"We should do CPR." Cameron added, looking hopeful. She started for his mouth, but Cuddy interrupted her.

"You take his chest." Cuddy snapped, then went in for the mouth to mouth.

Foreman, Wilson and Chase let out a simultaneous snicker as Cameron made a very unladylike gesture at the back of Cuddy's head before putting her hands on House's chest. Before going into CPR mode, she took a fraction of a second to softly brush her hands over his chest, and especially over his heart. She had a moony look on her face as she did.

Foreman realized that she wasn't getting her job done, so he pushed her out of the way and started to do the compressions. Chase had to hold her back as she scrambled to get back into position. "I am perfectly capable of performing CPR." She protested.

"Not on House you're not." Chase said through small laughter.

Cuddy finally came up for air and House seemed to be awake. At least he was smiling. Foreman stopped compressions and they all looked at House. He opened his eyes and spoke. "Where did you learn CPR Cuddy? The back seat of someone's Pinto?" He smiled.

The boys held their sides and convulsed wildly while trying to suppress their laughter. Cameron just scowled, and Chase tightened his grip on her. He would love nothing more than a girl fight, but he really would prefer to wait for the mud to be delivered.

Cuddy gave him a playful shove. "Well, since you're feeling alright, get back to work."

He watched her get up. "I have been doing it wrong all these years. My instructor never said you were supposed to use your ton...."

"Shut up!" Cuddy protested, blushing slightly. "And get up." She held out her hand. It seemed she'd been picking him up off the ground a lot today.

House went to get up, but he couldn't. He seemed to be paralyzed from the shoulders down. He let out a cry of pain as he tried to lift himself to a sitting position. "I can't move."

Cameron rushed to his side. "What?"

"I said I can't get up. I can't move, I'm immobile, I'm unavailable for piggy back rides or rolls in the hay. Well, actually I could probably managed the roll in the hay if you do all the pushing. Not you Cuddy. You're too rough." The boys snickered again as Cuddy tried to suppress a laugh and look all pissed.

"Can you bring him into the exam room?" Cuddy asked the strapping men around her. Wilson grabbed his head, while Foreman got his feet. Chase decided to sit this one out. Besides he was having a rather nice time keeping Cameron from jumping House's bones or beating the stuffing out of Cuddy.

"Careful." House protested. "You are handling very valuable goods. You break it, you buy it."

Wilson loosened his grip and made like he was going to drop House on his head. When House gasped Wilson replied. "It's just so hard carrying this big head around. I think it actually expanded after the CPR. How much air did you push in there Cuddy?" He noticed her blush and almost dropped House for real as he started to laugh.

Once House was on the bed, the doctors descended on him like locusts. "Can you feel this?" Wilson was poking him with his pen. Nothing was happening. Foreman was taking more vitals. Chase had released Cameron and was hooking House up to monitors.

Cameron took House's hand and looked into his eyes. "It's going to be OK. We're going to find out what happened and we're going to fix it."

House looked at her. "We're going to make him faster, we're going to make him stronger..." He smiled and she went all mushy.

"I promise you, House, I won't rest until you are walking again." She was nearly crying.

"And you're going to make me better by holding my hand? OUCH!" A needle was being sent threw his arm. It was Cuddy at the other end, and she was glaring at House and Cameron's clasped hands. "That hurt."

"I know." Cuddy turned and got a thermometer.

"Where are you putting that?" House was kind of scared. Cameron tightened her grip on his hand, and fought the urge to kiss him.

Cuddy smiled mischievously. "Well, I have one of two choices. I can stick it in your mouth, which has the added benefit of stopping you from talking, or I can stick it up your arse, which has the added benefit of hitting your brain center."

Foreman let out a burst of laughter that caused everyone to turn around. "That wasn't funny." Cameron protested, standing up.

House was staring at Cuddy. "I dare you."

Cuddy's smile grew wider. "Turn him over." She said to the boys. They stood nervously where they were. House or Cuddy. They were both quite terrifying. House was smiling at her. He knew he'd won. "Fine, everyone out." She pointed to the door.

Chase was the first one out the door. House hadn't done much for him lately, why should he do anything for House. Foreman followed, regretful that he would miss the show. Wilson shrugged and walked away, turning to let House see he was laughing before he disappeared through the door.

Cameron stood defiantly by House's side. "You don't have to do that."

"I disagree, and as the ranking doctor, I am asking you to leave."

"I won't." Cameron stuck her chin out like a defiant little girl.

"Yes you will." It was House speaking, and it startled Cameron. "If you don't, she'll get you too. I can't have that on my conscience. Go, save yourself." House nodded toward the door with his head. He'd wished he could have made a grander gesture, but he was paralyzed, and grander gestures where not in the cards.

Cameron left, making sure Cuddy felt every one of her footsteps by stomping hard on the floor. When she reached the door, she turned and stuck her tongue out at the back of Cuddy's head. House burst out laughing, and Cuddy spun around, but it was too late, Cameron was gone.

"Alone at last." House said in a fake seductive voice. "I'd roll over for you, but I need a little help."

"Who said anything about rolling over?" Cuddy cooed.

House was really puzzled now. He eyed her suspiciously.

"Open wide." Cuddy moved the thermometer toward his mouth, but House was too surprised to open up. "Unless you really wanted it the other way. I am always willing to accommodate." She wished she hadn't said that part. House would jump all over it.

He didn't say anything. He was so grateful that she was giving him a second chance to take the thermometer orally that his mouth popped open as wide as he could possibly get it, and clamped down on it.

Cuddy looked down at her watch. Before she knew what was happening, House pulled her onto the bed. "I can't believe you rammed your tongue down my throat. That's so unprofessional." Of course he knew it was a hypocritical thing to say, since his hand was now down her shirt, but who was she to complain.

"I can't believe you pretended to be paralyzed just to feel me up." Actually she did believe it, but who was he to complain.

3


	21. Brenda Chenowith from Six Feet Under

BRENDA CHENOWITH (SIX FEET UNDER)

House sat in the waiting room while maintenance fixed the door to the exam room. He looked around. There were a dozen or so people sitting around. Cuddy probably had half of them scheduled to see him. He couldn't wait.

Cuddy was talking to a woman by the front door. She was trying hard not to look at House, which gave him a clue that they must be talking about him. His suspicion was confirmed when the woman walked right over and sat next to him. At first she ignored him as much as he was ignoring her. It was a nice arrangement, but she ruined it by turning toward him.

"Hi." She extended a hand, but looked like she really didn't expect him to take it. "I'm Brenda."

"Lucky you." House didn't even look up at her.

"Lisa suggested we have a little talk." She was watching him carefully, judging his reactions. It was very irritating, so he did it right back.

"She did, did she?" House looked around the room for Cuddy, but she seemed to have vanished. He made a mental note to glare at her later.

"Yes. She said you don't want to go see a shrink, but you never said anything about one coming to see you." She was still watching him carefully.

"You're a shrink." House felt he already knew that, but he wasn't sure. She was watching him like a shrink, but there was something very unshrink like about her. He got the feeling she's spent more time on the couch than sitting in the chair.

"Yes. Does that bother you?"

Here she goes, he thought. "That you made a horrible career choice? No. That you con people into thinking you can fix them? A little. That Lisa wants you to try and fix me? Yes."

"She said you would be difficult." She looked over at the exam room door, which was now fully repaired, and stood up. "Perhaps you would be more comfortable in a private room?"

"Only if there's stripping involved, specifically yours." He smiled at her, but when she didn't smile back, he got up and followed her to the exam room. He was still looking around for Cuddy. He really wanted to shoot her a dirty look, but she was no where to be seen. Smart woman, that Cuddy. She sure knows when she should run and hide.

They were in the room, and Brenda took a seat in the only available chair, leaving House to either stand or sit on the bed. He chose to stand. "You don't want to sit down?" She was trying to get him onto the bed. Shrinks where always trying to get people into bed. House thought their might be some profound truth to that.

"Suit yourself. Now, is there anything specific that you want to talk about?" She was leaning in, all professional shrinkish.

"What did Cuddy tell you to talk to me about?"

"Do you always answer a question with a question?"

"Do you?" House was starting to enjoy himself. He set the challenge for himself of turning the tables on her. He would analyze her, thereby avoiding any discussion of his own feelings.

Brenda realized this was going no where. Based on what her old college roommate told her, she really didn't think she would get anywhere with basic psychology. She decided it was time to step it up a notch. She pulled something out of her jacket pocket. "Want a smoke?"

"Smoking isn't allowed in the hospital." House wasn't a stickler for rules, but he didn't want to smell like cigarettes all night, either. He was surprised when Brenda laughed and showed him she had a joint.

"Lisa was wrong about you. She said you were a rebel." She lit the joint and held it out for House.

"What makes you think I'm not?" He took the joint and took a long drag. It had been a long time since he's smoked a joint. He hoped he was doing it right. He handed it back to Brenda. They passed it back and forth a few times.

"Now, that's better isn't it?" She felt he should be suitably loosened up by now.

"What made you become a shrink?" He was surprised that he was starting to like this woman. She seemed like she would be very cool to hang out with.

"You're asking questions again." It seemed the pot had loosened her up more than it had worked on him. "My parents are both shrinks. Well, my dad was. He's dead now."

House braced himself for the waterworks. A dead father usually brought on lots of tears and a hug. House didn't like her that much, so he backed away in case she reached in for a hug.

The water works never came. She didn't even mention her father again. "I actually fought it for a long time, but I really like helping people. It's been very cathartic for me."

"Would you say it saved your life?" House was leaning on his cane. He wanted to move her out of the chair and onto the bed, but he thought that might be too much.

"You know, I think it has. My life was shit before. I didn't have any direction. I didn't know what I was doing. I was miserable."

"And now you feel better?" He could see the light at the end of the tunnel.

"I do." She smiled. "I really do. Thank you. I feel much better."

House made his move. He put a hand on her arm, and led her out of the chair. "You should go out and do something just for you. What do you like to do the most?" He was leading her to the door.

"I really like roller skating. It used to make me so happy to go to the roller disco."

"You should do that, right now. Take a friend, maybe Lisa." He knew he was pushing his luck with that one, but he couldn't resist.

"I'll do that right now." She walked out of the room and headed toward Cuddy, who had emerged from whatever hiding place she had been in. House stood in the doorway, waiting for the show.

Brenda wasn't walking in a straight line, but she managed to reach Cuddy anyway. "Hey, Lisa, let's go to the roller disco like we used to. That would be a blast, wouldn't it?" She was laughing, and grabbed Cuddy's arm for support.

Cuddy turned and glared at House. Oh, damn, he thought. I was supposed to be the one to do that. She leaned in toward Brenda and smelled her coat. "Maybe you should go sleep it off in my office." She lead Brenda out the door. When she looked back at House, he was smiling and waving at her happily.

3


	22. Dudley Dursley

DUDLEY DURSLEY

House leaned against the nurses station talking to Wilson. Things seemed to be dying down and he just knew he'd be able to sneak out soon. Once Cuddy had her back turned, he was going to make a run for it. Wilson agreed to be his cover should he need it.

The doors to the clinic opened and a rotund man walked in with an even rotunder boy behind him. They boy was holding his butt as if afraid someone might kick him at any minute. The woman behind him, however seemed more apt to smother him with her over zealous affection than to kick him in the bottom.

The big man left his wife and son behind and came up to Drs House and Wilson. "Are you a doctor?" He asked them both at once.

Wilson was about to say a simple yes, but House couldn't resist the urge to antagonize. "What gave it away? The badges? The Clipboard? His spiffy lab coat?"

The big man huffed, but said nothing. He had more pressing business. "My son needs help." He motioned Petunia and Dudley forward. "it's, it's, it's just too ghastly."

The boy was cowering behind his mother. She was a tall, thin rather severe woman, and House was amazed that the round little boy was managing to hide behind her quite well.

Wilson ran over to Cuddy who wasn't calling him over, leaving House to deal with the new patient. "Follow me." House said, making a huge sigh that caused his whole body to rise and fall.

"What seems to be wrong?" He asked reluctantly once they were safely inside Exam Room 2. House already knew these people were not the kind of people he wanted to spend any amount of time with. It would be best to just get this over with. He didn't at all like the look on the kids face. It was a look that said I'm going to knock your cane out from under you, and that is exactly what he tried to do, but since House had read the face, he was prepared, and he pulled the cane out of reach before the boy could kick it.

"Show him, Dudley." The big man said nervously. Dudley pushed even closer to his mother.

"Come on Dudikins. It's OK. This man is going to fix it." She pushed her son out from behind her and turned him by squeezing tightly on his shoulders and spinning him around.

House would have choked on his coffee had he thought to bring any with him. Instead he inhaled too much air and choked on that. "What the?" He was staring at a curl pink pigs tail sticking out of the seam in the boys pants. "This is some sort of joke. Did Cuddy put you up to this? Wilson?"

"I assure you this is no joke." The big man was now turning red and starting to resemble a big balloon. "My son has been the butt of a cruel prank." House burst out laughing when he said the word butt. Petunia covered her son's face. He'd suffered enough humiliation in her mind. "This is not funny." Vernon looked like he was about to blow a gasket, so House backed away a little.

"I am going to need a second opinion on this one." House couldn't help himself. This was too good not to share. He popped his head out the door. "Oh, Dr. Wilson, I need your help."

Wilson came in and stood beside House. "The boy has been the butt" (House snickers) "of a cruel prank." He motions the boy to turn around, and a lot of glaring all around, he does so.

Wilson and House burst out laughing. It is so loud as a matter of fact, that Cuddy comes rushing in thinking something must have gone terribly wrong. "What's going…" she stopped in her tracks as she saw the boy with the tail. Wilson whispered something in her ear, and she two started laughing.

It wasn't until Dr. Cameron came in that the poor boy got any serious attention. "I heard something." Cameron said, walking in. She saw the three doctors lined up and trying to hide laughter behind their hands. A big round man turning so red she was worried about popping him, and a tall, thin woman trying to console her son.

"I can't believe you." She turns to House, Cuddy and Wilson. She continues in a whisper. "This is the most unprofessional thing I've ever seen." She looked disgusted by their behaviour.

Wilson and Cuddy pointed at House. "It was his fault." They said in unison. House shrugged his shoulders as if to say, what could I do, it's a kid with a tail.

Cameron went to comfort the child. He pushed her hand away with a sharp slap. His parents did nothing to stop him. The three doctors watching did nothing but snicker a little more. They had already seen this kid at work, trying to trip House on their way into the exam room; they knew he was no good.

Cameron tries again to comfort the boy. "It's alright; a plastic surgeon will be able to remove that with no problem." The boy spat in her face. The trio nearly peed themselves they were laughing so hard. It was past the point where they could stop themselves. They were just getting silly now.

Cameron straightened herself out. "I can't believe you, any of you." She looked at everyone in the room, and then stormed out.

Cuddy was shaking with laughter, but managed to pull herself together. "I will schedule him to see Dr. Finkel ASAP." She led the family out of the room. House and Wilson doubled over with laughter as soon as the door closed.

"Why…was….that…..so…..funny?" House asked between bursts of laughter.

"I….don't…..know. Maybe….it….was….some sort….of….spell." Wilson was banging his hand on the bed. He couldn't stop himself. He felt like he'd inhaled gallons of laughing gas.


	23. Draco Malfoy

DRACO MALFOY

House and Wilson emerged from the exam room clutching their sides. House stopped for a moment. Out of the corner of his eye, he thought he saw a very old man with a very long white beard, but when he looked closer, he was gone.

House watched as the swinging doors swung wide open and a tall, slender man with white blonde hair and a disgusted look on his face that House thought might be stuck like that, glided in. A black cape billowed behind him. He was followed by an equally white blonde woman with an even more disgusted look on her face that was definitely stuck like that. She carried in her arms a blonde boy.

The boy was crying out in pain and clutching his leg. "Oh, Draco, do be quite." The man snapped at him.

"But it hurts!" Draco wailed.

"You don't even know what real pain is, boy. Now SHUT UP!" The man spoke so softly, but with such malevolence in his voice that the boy shut up instantly and began shaking in his mothers arms.

"Do you have to be so hard on him Lucius? He's just a boy." His mother kissed him on the forehead and the boy smiled mischievously.

"He is not a boy, Narcissa, he is almost 16 years old. It is time you stopped treating him like a child." Lucius' head snapped toward House. "You, there, my son needs medical attention immediately." He said the last word in such a way that House felt he would suffer a most hideous death if he refused to help.

House ushered the family into the exam room. Narcissa placed her son lovingly on the bed. Draco cried out. "Silence!" Lucius spoke, and the room fell into terrified silence.

"Draco has hurt his leg. It's nothing really," Lucius waved a dismissive hand at his son, "but my wife insists it be looked at.

"House looked at the leg. It was, to say the least, interesting. It was covered in lesions that looked like little mouths, and when House first looked down, he could swear they were opening and closing like mouths. He thought he must be seeing things, so he shook his head and tried again. Little red holes were opening and closing all over his leg. House looked away in horror.

"What happened?" He asked, disgusted by what he'd seen.

The two older blondes exchanged a look of how much should we tell him. House wasn't at all surprised when it was the man who spoke. "He fell off his bike."

OK, now, House had heard some pretty absurd excuses for some pretty wild bruises, but this one took the cake. "There is no way that falling off a bike could cause little people to start trying to eat their way out of his leg. What really happened?"

Lucius' eyes narrowed. House actually felt a sudden flood of fear wash over him. He didn't doubt for a minute that this guy would kill him given the chance. "Fine, OK, he fell off his bike. Let me have another look." House put up his hands in surrender, though it seemed lost on the man.

He pulled up the boys pant leg again, stretching his arm as long as it would go so that he didn't have to get too close. He peeked at the leg and quickly pulled the pant leg down again. "Oh!" He exclaimed at the sight.

"What are you going to do for him?" The man demanded.

"I can write a prescription. Keep him off the leg, plenty of bed rest. He'll be back on his bike in no time." House scribbled something on his notepad and handed it to the woman, whose hand had reached out for it. He didn't even know what he'd prescribed. He was too busy trying to figure out how much time he'd need to back up his stuff, change his identity and get the hell out of the country.


	24. Severus Snape

I went through a bit of a Harry Potter phase, if you couldn't tell.

* * *

SEVERUS SNAPE

House was straightening up some cotton swabs to avoid any actual work. He'd finally locked the door to keep all the sick people out. He heard a strange popping sound, and spun around. He was surprised to find that he was no longer alone in the small, locked exam room. Instead, he was face to face with what looked like a not so freshly dead corpse.

The man before him was a pasty white. If House didn't know better he'd have said the man was in clown makeup, but there was nothing funny about that face. It was gaunt and cruel. The long black cloak wrapped around him didn't help any. House felt a sudden urge to watch a Bela Lagosi movie.

The man took a step forward, and House instinctively took a step back. This was not a man he wanted too close to him. "I'm off duty." It was a lie, but how was this guy supposed to know it.

"You have something I need." The voice was so soft that House shouldn't have been able to hear it at all, but he heard it loud and clear and it gave him the creeps.

"Take anything you want." A better man might have put up a fight, but House was quite comfortable with his cowardice. He was not about to die a most hideous death just to save some sterile cotton swabs and wet naps.

"Where is it?" The man was practically whispering, but that whisper seemed to shake House to the core. House wanted very much to tell this man where to find what he was looking for, but he had no idea what the guy was talking about.

"If you just tell me what you're looking for maybe I could help."

"Don't mess with the Half Blood Prince." The man had worked himself into a rage. House didn't like it one bit.

"Half Blood? Well, that explains the lack of pigmentation. Anyway, the blood bank is down the hall Drac."

"How dare you confuse me with Malfoy's brat! Now where is it!" He had pulled out a long black stick, and was pointing it at House.

"You're going to poke me with a stick?" House couldn't believe what was going on. As fierce as this guy looked, his biggest weapon was a stick. It was certainly a sharp stick, and very pretty, with a nice little handle and everything, but it was still a stick.

The man's eyes flashed with rage. House had done it now. He saw the man fall into a trancelike concentration. He muttered something under his breath, and House found himself in excruciating pain. That was a hell of a stick the man had.

Pain was nothing new to House, so he took it like a man, and while rolling on the floor, managed to reach his Vicodin and pop as many pills as he could get into his mouth. Oddly, they weren't working.

"Where is it?" The man was still going on about his elusive "it". If only House knew what he was talking about.

"I don't know." House was trying to embrace the pain, but it was too busy stabbing him in the back.

"But The Dark Lord told me I could find it here." The pain was easing up a little. The Half Blood Prince, or Prince of Pain as House now thought of him, seemed distracted by some deep, evil thought.

"The who told you what?" House was now free from the pain. Either the Vicodin had kicked in, or that pretty stick was packed with some mean mojo, because the pain stopped as the man lowered his stick of pain.

"Where is the horcrux?" The room shook. The man was looking more and more frantic. House looked around the room for anything that might fit the description of a horcrux, whatever that was.

"You'll never find it Snape." House wasn't speaking, so he could only assume someone else had entered the room. If this Snape guy was scary then they were going to have to invent another word for the terror this new guy invoked.

A tall, thin, so pale he was green man was standing at the other end of the room. Even from the distance House could see the color of his eyes. It was hard to miss a pair of glowing red eyes from any distance. This guy had a stick too, and was holding it up at Snape. A long snake came out of the end of it, and slithered across the floor.

"Lookout," he called to Snape, though he didn't think he would mind the snake finishing the man off, but Snape was his patient, and House had a duty to save him. Sometimes House hated being a doctor.

A flash of green light filled the room, and things started blowing up. That's when House made the executive decision to save his own arse. He ran and hid under the bed, while the two pale figures tried to make each other deathly pale. Of course, they already were, but that didn't stop them from trying.

Strange foreign words were being bandied about, and there was a lot of movement and maniacal laughter. House thought they could have a maniacal laughter competition and it would be very difficult to decide a winner.

"I should have never trusted you, Snape. It was the one flaw in an otherwise perfect plan." A flash of green fire followed this statement.

"There was more than one flaw in your imperfect plan." Snape shot back another flash of green fire, which hit the bed House was hiding under and turned it to ash.

"I will not be defeated." House wondered what the green guy was going to do next, but it would have to wait. A pair of very expensive high heeled shoes came into view. Apparently the door had been blown open, and Cuddy came to investigate. She was really not going to like this.

"What the…" it was all she had time to get out. Both men had turned as she entered, and both men looked even more menacing than House figured was usual for them.

"The horcrux," they gasped in unison. House noticed Cuddy take a step back as they both turned to her. They looked as if they had just walked across the desert for 40 days with no food or water and Cuddy was a great big lake with a banana tree growing out of the middle of it.

Now, House and Cuddy had their differences and he had often fantasized about wringing her neck, but that was his fantasy, and he didn't want to share it with Dracula and Dracula Jr. He had to think fast.

Both creepy, pasty guys raised their demon twigs to Cuddy. She was frozen in place, which seemed to be a pretty reasonable reaction to seeing two men who looked like they had been dead for a century pointing pretty sticks at you, so House couldn't pick on her too much for it.

House started spewing Latin terms at them. He made no sense, and they probably didn't understand him, but it was enough to cause a distraction. Their attention was turned away from Cuddy for the moment.

House really wished he'd had a twig all his own to wave at them, but all he could find within reaching distance was a pen, so he held it up to them as menacingly as one could hold a pen in such a situation.

Cuddy seemed to come out of her trance. There was a tray on the table beside her and she grabbed it and hit the green guy on the head with it as hard as her three times a week at the gym body would allow. It seemed to be enough to rattle whatever was inside that bald, slimy head of his, and he went to the ground.

Snape turned back to Cuddy and with a bright green flash and some even flashier words, he vanished, but not before sending her flying across the room. He wasn't the only thing to vanish. When House came back to his senses, or what was left of them, he scrambled over to where Cuddy lay unconscious. His keen sense of observation, coupled with the fact that his eyes instinctively dropped to her chest every time he saw her made him notice almost immediately that the locket she was wearing was gone.

House thought that the creepy crypt guys had gone through an awful lot of trouble for a bit of jewelry. Sure it was nice, clearly an antique, but it wasn't the Hope Diamond or anything, just a little heart with a strange symbol drawn on it. Anyway, he figured he really should try to wake Cuddy up.


	25. Lisa Cuddy

LISA CUDDY

Cuddy's eyes opened slowly. "What the hell?" She had expanded on her former comment. She looked around to see where she was. She was in an exam room, on a bed. She tried to remember how she'd got there, and when she did remember, she promptly passed out again.

She tried consciousness again and found it much easier the second time around. She concentrated on her surroundings instead of the circumstances that had lead her there. Now she was aware of House hovering over her, and she felt his hands on her…

"Hey!" She slapped his hand away. "What do you think you're doing?"

"Ah, our patient is feeling better. I was trying to find a heartbeat, but then I remembered you are a heartless administrator." He smiled down at her.

"And you needed to undo my blouse to find my heartbeat?" She was buttoning herself back up.

"It never bothered you before." House pretended to be hurt by her snub.

Dr. Cameron popped her head in. "Exam Room 2 is all cleaned up now." She glared at Cuddy who was still fumbling with her buttons. "Is there anything I can help you with in here?" She wasn't going to leave House and Cuddy alone again if she could help it.

"Maintenance was able to fix the door already?" Cuddy was trying to try not to think about the events of the recent past, but she couldn't help remembering the door being blown to bits in her hand.

"Um, no, someone else took care of it." Cameron looked at House nervously. Cuddy didn't like the look of that look at all.

"Some people popped in." House couldn't believe Cameron's lack of comedic timing. Cuddy had given her the perfect set up, and Cameron blew it. How often did one get to say people just popped in and actually mean it?

A group of wanded cleaners had entered the room with a loud pop, waved their wands about; leaving the room as spotless as the day it was built, and popped back out again. They tried waving their wands at House and Cameron, but House had quickly ducked behind the younger doctor, she was healthier than him, she could take whatever it was they were waving at her.

"Oh, since you're hear," House sounded like he'd just noticed Cameron was in the room, "can you examine Dr. Cuddy, she doesn't want me touching her anymore. Women can be so fickle." He stood back and let Cameron threw.

"I'm fine. No one needs to examine me." Cuddy tried to get up, but her head was still spinning and she needed to press it against a pillow for support.

"Oh, yeah, you look great." House said with lazy sarcasm as he leaned against the wall. "You just don't want me to witness a little girl on girl action. You're so mean to me."

Both Cameron and Cuddy turned and looked at House. Cameron had an embarrassed scowl on her face, Cuddy an exasperated smirk on hers. House had a shit eating grin on his, but it went unnoticed.

"I'm telling you, I'm fine. Now get back to work." Cuddy tried getting up again, but House came over and pushed her back onto the bed.

"I'll tie you down if I have to." He smiled. "Actually, I'll tie you down even if I don't have to." Cameron blushed and cleared her throat hoping to distract him from his line of thought. "Oh, we're embarrassing the kids." He turned to Cameron. "Don't worry, mommy and daddy love each other very much. I'm just trying to keep mommy from hurting herself. It's really for her own good." He was still holding Cuddy down, but she was struggling to break free now.

"Do you treat all your patients like this?" She protested.

"No, just the annoying ones. Now, would you stop moving around so I can check your temperature." He let go of her, and she stopped squirming. "Now, open wide." Cameron, intuiting his intentions, had gotten a thermometer out of it's sterile packaging and handed it to House. She was very pleased with herself.

"Open wide." House had a look of absolute joy on his face. Playing doctor with Cuddy was going to be fun. He needed a little fun tonight. He noticed Cuddy's look of horror and her mouth, clamped shut. "What, don't you trust me? I'm a very good doctor." He was grinning more like a mad scientist than a good doctor.

"I'm your boss and I'm telling you I'm fine!" She tried to get up again, but again he wouldn't let her. This time he pushed her back down with his cane, which he then held across her waist.

"Don't make me get rough," he scolded, really hoping she would make him.

"I'm so scared." It was obvious she was lying because there was absolutely no fear in her voice or her body. She made the statement in the most deadpan way possible.

Cameron was watching the whole thing uneasily. She was fascinated by this side of House. He'd forgotten everything and was relishing this game of cat and mouth. She was memorizing Cuddy's actions. Maybe if she could copy Cuddy House would show more interest in her.

"You should be scared. Your life is now in my hands." House forced a maniacal laugh to follow the statement. "Now, open wide." He shoved the thermometer into her slightly open mouth. "And close. Oh, and keep it closed, would you?" He turned to Cameron. "This is the only way I can get her to shut up."

House felt something hit the side of his head. Cuddy had spit the thermometer straight at him. She was pleased with her direct hit.

"Just for that…" House went to a drawer and pulled out a syringe.

"What are you going to do with that?" Cuddy looked really nervous this time.

"I'm going to stick it in your arse. What do you think I'm going to do with it?"

"House." It was her usual exasperated declaration, and it didn't do any more than it usually did to stop him from having his fun.

"It's a sedative. It'll do wonders for your personality."

"Why haven't I fired you yet?" Cuddy was sure he wouldn't really stick her with the needle, but she wasn't taking any chances, she had propped herself up in the bed, and taken a defensive position.

"Because you looove me." House batted his eyes at her.

"House, you can't." It was Cameron this time. She wasn't as sure as Cuddy that he was joking. She'd seen him do crazier things.

"Oh." House turned to her. "You're still here?"

"Yes, and I won't let you abuse your position of power in this situation." She was dead serious, which caused House and Cuddy to crack up. "It's not funny. This is an ethical violation…"

"It's a joke." House was used to her not getting his jokes, so he felt he should advertise. "I would never stick Cuddy with a sedative. She'd need something much stronger than that, like a tranquilizer dart."

Cameron left in a huff. Cuddy got up and followed her in a mock huff, and House stood against the wall, laughing to himself.


	26. Adrian Monk

ADRIAN MONK

House groaned. Cuddy was making him do another day of Clinic duty. Like she said when he was behind bars. She owned his arse. He sighed and picked up the first folder. "Monk?" That was a stupid name.

A fidgety little man came walking over, followed by a weary looking blond. "I'm Adrian Monk." He looked at House's hand, waiting for it to come near him, hoping it wouldn't.

House wasn't the hand shaking type. He took the chart and lead Monk down the hall. The blonde followed them. "What's with her? Hooker?"

Monk laughed nervously. "Natalie is my assistant." Monk had toughed the door handle by accident. He snapped and stuck his hand toward Natalie. She quickly produced a wet nap from her purse.

House watched in fascination. "I've got to get me one of those."

"Well you're not going to get me," Natalie back talked.

"Don't worry, I prefer brunettes." House imagined snapping his fingers and getting Cuddy to take off her blouse. It might work with Cameron. Hmmm. "What seems to be the problem?" Oh, he did NOT just say that? What was he, Marcus Welby?

"I've got a scratch, right there." Monk pointed to his neck.

"He cut himself shaving." Natalie droned.

"You don't say." House looked at the cut. It was nothing exciting. Just a razor cut. "And you came here because?"

"I'm cut! It bled!" Monk was near hysterics.

"Right. Cuts do that sometimes. Most doctors say try to avoid getting cut, but me, I say slice an arm off! I need a new sports car."

"What?" Natalie was horrified. "Is that how you treat your patients? I can't believe you would say that. This man is a hypochondriac, this man is terrified of germs, this man…"

"Is a nut case." House finished her thought for her. Monk nodded in agreement, holding his neck as though an artery had been severed.

"He is not. He is a highly respected detective in…"

"I'm a highly respected doctor right here in this hospital. Now shut up and let me do my job."

Natalie opened her mouth to protest again, but Monk jumped in. "Just…let him…do his job." Monk didn't care what the angry doctor called him, as long as he took care of this cut. "What's wrong with me doctor? Come on, I can take it."

"You are clearly unstable, there's nothing I can do about that, but the psychiatric ward is just upstairs. I could make a few calls for you."

"Just a…no…I…" Monk reached out to House's neck.

"The hell?" House wacked Monk's leg with his cane.

"You've got a spot, right…" Monk licked his thumb, "there. If I could…" he started rubbing at the spot on House's collar, "just…"

"Get off me." House shoved his patient.

"Wipe!" Monk snapped rapidly at Natalie.

House snapped wildly in the air. "Out!"

"But…my cut…" Monk was thoroughly wiping his hands.

"Out! Out!" House pointed toward the door. "Or I'll touch you." He licked his hand and thrust it toward Monk.

Monk and Natalie hurried out of the room.

House followed them into the lobby to make sure they'd gone. He saw Cameron standing beside the nurse's table with Foreman. He smiled. "Wipe!" he snapped his fingers in her face.

"What?"

"Wipe, wipe WIPE!" House snapped a few more times.

Cameron scurried around the nurse's table and grabbed the tube of antibacterial wipes Nurse Brenda kept there. She held it out to House nervously.

House pulled a wipe out of the tube, washed his hands and smiled. He picked up another folder and looked at the name. This was going to be a long day.

2


End file.
